2015 New Year's Resolutions - A Review and Prep for 2016 New Year's Resolutions

As I started this blog last year, I set out three categories for my 2015 New Year's resolutions: personal, professional, and academic.

In the personal realm, I had six goals: knit at least two patterns from books I already own using yarn I've already purchased; lose weight and maintain that weight at 159 pounds or less by next year; exercise at least two days per week; decide whether or not to pursue a technical writing certificate concurrently with my MFA; submit to least three literary journals by the end of the spring semester; and plan a trip around the world.

Of the six personal goals, I accomplished four.

I did knit at least two patterns from books I already own with yarn I've already purchased. Those patterns were the $5 in Paris, Baby Cozy, and the Firefly Dishcloth.

I did not lose weight, but considering my engagement ended and life was thrown into complete chaos, I'm happy I maintained my current weight of 180 pounds and didn't go up much further.

I'm not exercising two days a week, but I am walking to and from work at least three days a week. I'm also consistently getting at least 10,000 steps per day.

I decided to pursue the technical writing certificate and I should finish by May or June 2016.

I submitted to several literary journals, resulting in three publications (two in the same week)!

I did not plan a trip around the world, but I will revisit it once my two year commitment to my current job expires.

My five professional goals were to continue improving my editing skills and knowledge of AP Style; improve workflow processes; find more opportunities for professional development; be the best mentor I can be; and to figure out how to keep my job while taking a trip around the world.

I think the professional goals were the least completed, as I decided the best way to improve workflow processes and find more opportunities for professional development was to pursue a new opportunity closer to my family.

I'm really happy in my new position. I do some editing, but it's more office management and organization. Again, it's a better fit; the job moves faster and I am trusted to do my job, which is what made my last job a poor fit. I'm not looking at doing a world trip for a few more years since I've decided to come back home.

With the academic goals, I set four. I only accomplished one. My four goals were to apply for graduate school scholarships in January; apply for the staff scholarship in August; maintain a 3.5 GPA; and figure out how to maintain my staff tuition discounts while traveling the world.

I did not apply for scholarships - school or staff. I didn't feel I had a connection with any of the professors at that time, and I didn't feel I could trust any of the professors to write and turn in a letter of recommendation on time. I didn't apply for the staff scholarship in August because I knew I was resigning from my position. Since I no longer work where I worked, the staff discount is moot.

I did, however, maintain my GPA as a 4.0, which made me really happy considering I was working full time and really busy moving at the beginning of the fall semester.

Looking back at the goals I set and met and set and missed, I am certain the problem is there were too many goals in too many categories. The goals that became priorities were the goals that had the most importance to me.

For that reason, instead of three categories, I'm going to go with three goals for the year. It's easier to keep track of and it's easier to envision the final result.

My New Year's Resolutions for 2016 are as follows:

1. Knit (or finish) at least two projects from kits or Craftsy classes. I'm working on Drachenfels and should finish it shortly after the New Year. I have other projects like Lunaris, Tunisian Crochet Multi-Garment, Tree of Life Afghan, Beyond Basic Broomstick Lace (class), My First Raglan Cardigan (class, plus I bought the kit), Shawlscapes by Stephen West (class), and Choose Your Own Sweater Adventure (class), among others.
2. I want to finish my MFA thesis by the end of next year. I have sent in my thesis proposal and I'm waiting to see if it was approved or not. I'm hoping to finish by August, but I'm giving myself an extra semester in case my proposal is not accepted in January.
3. Unread Books Project. Moving twice in less than two months, I realized I have a lot of books, many of which I have dragged state to state, all unread. So, to remedy this, the Unread Books Project is me picking at least one book per week to read for fun and/or pleasure from the stack of books that have sat and sat and sat in my home. To achieve this goal, I will read 45 to 52 books over the course of the year and do a biweekly or monthly report on what I've read. I also want to recall when and where I bought the book (or was gifted the book) when writing up which book or books I've finished.

Let's see how 2016 goes.

Eep! Missed Sunday - Knitting Updates

I don't know where my weekend went, and I didn't mean to miss Sunday's deadline.

I finished blocking the Honeycomb Cowl and I am cruising along on Drachenfels. I'm off on the stitch count. I give up.

Echoes of Bullying: More Than 20 Years Later

Bullying has gotten a lot of media attention recently. The fact that there is an active movement to push back against what was once thought of as "kids being kids" is amazing. However, for me, it's too late.

My family moved around a lot when I was kid. Every time I went to a new school, I hoped against hope that maybe here, maybe this time, I'd make friends. That maybe for once I wouldn't be the target of everyone's hatred.

It never worked that way. I was always the odd duckling. I didn't watch the TV shows they did. I read a lot. I stood up for others.

I remember when we moved to Washington. I was riding high on that "new kid in school" glow. At recess, this group of popular girls ordered me to push this fat, unpopular boy in the mud during recess. It would cement my place with them. I would have friends. I would be popular.

I knew all this and I refused. It's funny how we look back on those moments and all the echoes that come after them. I could have been popular. Maybe for another week. Another day. I didn't pick that.

The echoes of the bullying and tormenting I experienced have marked who I am as a person. I don't trust people. I don't look back at my K-12 education with much happiness. I made a few friends here and there, but I was so lonely. I was so alone. I had some outlets - drama, music, reading, writing - but I was alone. I felt like such an outsider.

I threw myself into school. I could be praised for my grades. So I chased those for many, many years. I didn't do much with social things. I can count on one hand the number of sleepovers I went to.

It wasn't until college I felt I really belonged.

It wasn't until graduate school that I got anti-anxiety medication and was able to be around new groups of people and not feel like panicking. I talk a lot and part of it is a defense mechanism - if I control the conversation, the other person can't make fun of me to my face.

I'm 30 now and while I understand and have let go of a lot of what happened to me, I have to say "kids being kids" isn't okay. My entire life has been marked by desperately wanting to have and make and keep friends. As a result, I have stayed in the wrong relationships for far too long because I didn't want to be alone, because they knew that about me, and they used it to say no one else would ever want or love me. Because my peer group had been so awful to me, I believed it. Sometimes, I still believe it.

It's not just being made fun of for what you're wearing. It's the constant tormenting because you're a girl. Because you like to read. Because you speak up. Because you won't let anyone else take someone else down. Because you remember what it's like to be on the other side. Because you got breasts in seventh grade. Because you're odd. Because you're you.

This Halloween, it was great to see girls dressing up as Darth Vader. I saw at least three. When I did it almost twenty years ago, that kind of costuming choice made me weird. Made me a nerd. Made me a target.

Let's work on making the world a kinder and more welcoming place. One human being we interact with at a time.

Finals week!

I missed my regular Sunday posting because I was finishing up finals for two class. I have two more classes to go and it's been a crazy week at work.

I've had to prioritize and make decisions about what I have time to work on.

It doesn't help that I thought December 11 was a Saturday. It's a Friday, so I'm scrambling a bit to finish one of my final papers.

It'll all be better this weekend.

Also - news! I'm going to start podcasting about knitting with my friend from El Paso! It's going to be the Knit Two Together Podcast and we'll be starting either in late December or early January. Stay tuned!

Finals Week is Coming

Starting this next week, I'll have a final or final project due for each of my classes until December 11.

Ughhh....

Back to sleep. Hoping I can get enough done this week to stay sane.

Adventures in Pear Butter

I've been invited to Thanksgiving at a new partner's house with is extended family. I made pear butter. I wanted to make plum butter, but I could not find plums anywhere. I swear three weeks ago everywhere was lousy with plums, but when you specifically go looking for them ...

I got lucky and found pears, an orange, and orange juice at Grocery Outlet.

Pear Butter Recipe

Six pounds of pears - peeled and cored
Zest from most of a large orange
A good bit of freshly grated nutmeg
Cinnamon to toss and cover the pears
One cup of sugar
1/2 cup of orange juice
1/4 to 1/2 cup of agave syrup

I started the pear butter out on in the slow cooker, but eight hours on low left it pretty soupy. I tried taking off the lid and turning the slow cooker to high. No love.

So, I switched over to using the stovetop and a large pot. Stirring continuously over medium heat for about fifteen minutes, I cooked until most of the pear chunks were gone. Then I used a stick blender to make it lovely and smooth.

It tasted good! I hope it goes over well at Thanksgiving and I don't forget it at home.

Knitting Project Out of Timeout

I had a New Year's Resolution to knit at least two patterns from books, patterns, and yarn I already owned. When I started unpacking at my current one-bedroom mother-in-law suite, I realized how hard it is to downsize from a three-bedroom house into a one-bedroom space.

The truth is I get seduced by the potential for things and the possibility of things rather than the practical use for something. So, I have a lot of yarn because I think of all the possibilities for that yarn and how much money I'm saving on that yarn right this very minute, rather than thinking about what pattern or how much yarn it would actually take to make something I would want to own or gift.

The result is bins upon plastic bins of yarn. Realistically, I own more yarn right now than I could try and knit up in a year or two. A lot of the yarn is acrylic, which is very common for beginning knitters to accumulate.

I'm still knitting the pink monstrosity of a baby blanket. The baby's been born, but at this rate, I'll never get it done in time and I'm just wanting to get it done and over with so I never have to see it in a project bag again.

About three or four weeks ago, I had a major setback with my Drachenfels. I skipped a line in the pattern and after I had finished the entire stripped section, I counted my stitches and was so far off that I could really understand what had happened. Even missing the increase in every row would not have left me as off as the stitch count was. It turns out I missed an entire solid section increase in Part A.

I had to rip back 30 rows. The project has been in timeout ever since, mostly because it was so stressful to tink back so far. It needed some time off.

I'm trying to finish up the Drachenfels so I can start on the Honey Cowl for my grandmother for Christmas. I did promise her a few months ago. I've picked out a lovely, dark blue yarn for the project. I think the Honey Cowl should be a quick knit, but I also don't want tons of unfinished projects laying about the house.

I wound one skein of the yarn for the Honey Cowl. I debated doing the second, but I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I think I'll get together all the stuff for the Honey Cowl and start casting on tonight. I doubt I'll finish an entire skein of yarn in this pattern tonight. If I do, I'll switch over to my Drachenfels.

In my personal life, my parents met my main lover today. It went well. I went on a date yesterday to the zoo and went with my main lover to the zoo today. Met a lot of his friends. It went well. It's his birthday tomorrow, so I'll be popping my head in to wish him well on his 21st. Yes, I'm aware of the age difference. Hush now.

Taking my finger back

I had a whole, elaborate blog post in my mind, but I'm about to take off for a grownup sleepover, so I'm going to make this quick:

I bought my own damn ring for my own damn hand with my own damn money.

That's right. No more engagement ring. I bought my own Tiffany ring for my right hand middle finger. It's to remind myself I don't need the fairy tale marriage to make myself happy. To make myself "fit" into this world.

I'm done wearing a mask to do what is right, to do what society expects.

I'm wearing a ring on my middle finger to remind myself that I gave him the wrong one and that I let society tell me that chasing and hoping for marriage was something I should want.

Knitted Chainmail - Review Time

I knit chainmail for my Halloween costume (Lagertha from the TV show Vikings). I used sock-weight yarn, which was nice and soft, but didn't hold up to being worn all day. Unfortunately, it got snagged in a few places and I ended up with some holes.

I think the folks on Ravelry who knit their chainmail with worsted weight, acrylic yarn had the right idea. I think the nylon/acrylic blend of the sock yarn wasn't enough to stand up to the rigors of being worn around the office all day.

That being said, it looked really good and authentic. I'll write up the pattern later this month and put it up on Ravelry.

Same song, second verse, little bit louder ...

I know my posts have been short. I've been occupied - dating again! Really, really happy! It's surprising how fast the weekend goes when you're out with people the whole time.

I'm barely keeping up on my online MFA classes, and I have a new class starting tomorrow. I've got about six more weeks of classes and I really, really have to finish my thesis proposal (which is now two weeks late/behind ... goodie).

Work keeps me insanely busy. I don't have much time to do anything else.

Took the boss to the airport today. Fell asleep afterward until 2 p.m. That's mostly because we went to a Florence and the Machine concert last night.

I'm smitten kitten.

Also, first publication online is happening tomorrow. Dirty Chai Magazine "Lit with a Kick" is publishing me in their eighth issue!!! Tomorrow!!!

Knitting Chainmail

Oops! I missed another Sunday post. I'm knitting chainmail for my chain maiden costume.

Work is really busy, as is school.

I got a bit swamped and my priorities were homework and dating. I'm smitten kitten.

Ripping Back

I misread the Drachenfels pattern and started the striped section too soon. I was too many stitches off when I counted, and then I read my knitting alongside the pattern.

I skipped an entire section of solid color. I had two choices: suck it up or rip it back. It ripped it back, but in order to catch all 100-plus stitches, I ended up ripping back into a section that was fine. It's in time-out right now because it was really frustrating to make that kind of mistake and to have to rip out 30 rows of work.

It reminds me of my life right now. I'm not where I thought I would be and getting my MFA is a way of ripping back to doing what I should have done after college.

I wrote a blog post for my new job. I'm learning a lot about video marketing. The only annoying thing was having to pick up the boss from the airport on Saturday when I'd initially been told I wouldn't have to do that task. I stick pretty close to home on the weekends for now, at least until I get a better feel for how long my work leash is.

Sometimes to make something right, you have to go back and fix it. I'm fixing my life, one day at a time.

Knitting and Dating

I've been dating for about a month or so. I have really enjoyed getting to know people.

I also drag along my knitting, which keeps my hands busy and gives me an outlet for my nervous energy. I'm still working on my Drachenfels.

Not having a lot of online dating success, but when it goes well, it has gone very well.

At brunch today, my mom said I was the happiest she had seen me in a long time. It's true.

Two Publications in One Week!

Great news!

I had two poems accepted for publication this week. The first was "Lonely Town" by Dos Gatos Press and the second was "Phantasms of Love" in the Fall 2015 Dirty Chai online magazine. It's awesome having two acceptance notices the same week.

I'm still knitting my Drachenfels shawl and I'm on the second page of the written instructions. I made it through the first page with one ball of Color A. I'm now on the ridge section, but I'm dreading weaving in the ends.

Moving Can (and Does) Get Worse

My coffee table did not survive the move. The weight of the boxes on top of it made the legs collapse, which caused the box (with canned goods) underneath it to be crushed, which caused the liquid in the canned goods to spill, which caused the wardrobe box and several other boxes to become soaked, which caused the clothes and books and papers to mildew.

This means I'm not leaving a five-star review for the moving company that packed up and loaded my POD in Texas.

On the plus side, not too many books were ruined, and the stuff that was ruined is well below my $500 deductible, so it's not really worth making a claim and raising my insurance rates.

I can see the carpet again. Small progress. It's overwhelming still. I'm trying to ferret out which boxes were ruined and which boxes have wet bottoms or wet things in them thanks to the collapse and domino effect.

This next week will be dealing with my car and the driver's test and the insurance and the PO box and and and and and. I'll manage to get it all done, but it's exhausting to think about.

I'm shocked at how much crafting stuff I have. Now that I'm in a smaller space, seeing all the bags and bins of yarn, notions, and tools made me realize that I have way more stuff for knitting than I thought and that I really need to honor my goals and New Year's resolutions to knit down my stash before adding more to it. Then again, I just bought three kits' worth of yarn from Craftsy and that box arrived. The yarn is so squishy and lovely, but looking at how much yarn I have, I really can't order from there (or anywhere else) for a long time.

My mom offered to mail my ex's box to him and I took her up on it. I don't have the time to mail it off and get everything for work done while also trying to set up my legal residence. It doesn't help that I don't have a lease the government would really call a lease. I have an email. I doubt an email will be acceptable to the DMV and/or U.S. Post Office. So, I'm going to get my insurances switched over to my new state and go from there.

On the plus side, my Friday bowling date (followed by an impromptu walk in the park and then coffee at Powell's on Burnside) went well. Not sure I'm feeling anything romantic for the guy, but I am enjoying his company.

I'm unpacking. I'm settling in. I'm trying to make this home.

First Week of New Job, Third Week of Semester

This week marked my first week at my new job. It was fast-paced and intense, but I really enjoyed it. I ended up having to go into the office twice yesterday, but everything got taken care of and aside from an OK Cupid date backing out because I took too long, it was uneventful.

I met up for teriyaki and then ice cream with someone from OK Cupid. It went well. Not really feeling more than friendship, but I'm teaching him how to knit next week! Winning!

My new place is really great. The landlord is really thoughtful and kind. The view, as you'll see below, is fabulous. I'll hopefully have my furniture by next weekend so I'm not sleeping on an air mattress or yoga mat. I'm really looking forward to having my stuff again.

View from my new apartment.

I'm still knitting. My mom gave me some cotton yarn and I'm almost finished with the ball. I'm going to try and finish the Little Lady Garter Blanket in the next week or so, but it's really a boring knit and I'm sick of the color.

I bought Defarge Does Shakespeare on Ravelry. There were at least three patterns I wanted to make, so after several weeks of having it in my cart, I bought it on Ravelry.

I'm thinking I'll knit Lady M; Ravel'd Sleeve of Care; and Exeunt, Pursued by a Bear.

I've also been knitting a bunch of dishcloths. I've got two patterns memorized: Almost Lost Dishcloth and Grandmother's Favorite.

Almost Lost Dishcloth. Requires knitting short rows. It looks better in person. The easier-to-read pattern is from this website.

I don't have reliable Internet at home yet. There's a WiFi hotspot login I'm borrowing from my dad, but it's hit or miss. Some times I can watch an hour show on Hulu or Netflix without buffering and sometimes it drops every five minutes.

I'm down to my last five classes for my MFA. It's been hard to juggle the start of the semester with my classes, but I'm accepting the fact that good is good enough.

All in all, things are getting settled. I'm really happy to be home.

Fresh Start

I've made it to my new city. The new job starts on Tuesday.

I messed up with the PODS delivery and won't have my stuff until Sept. 17, but that's okay.

I'm just happy to be back home.

New beginnings

I took off with my mom today to move to my new job.

I am having wine with my amazing great aunt and mom.

Trust rocks.

New job! New semester! Moving! Ahhh!!!

Tomorrow marks my last week of work in Texas. I was offered a new, fast-paced position closer to my family, and I start Sept. 8.

I'm nervous about doing my full course load and moving several states. I'm tired just thinking about it.

I had movers at my old place on Saturday and I'm staying with a friend and her family until next week. I'm very grateful for her hospitality. I'm reading a book to her eldest as a birthday present. I got her a boxed set of R. Dahl books, but I think sharing the experience of having one read to her will make it more special.

I said goodbye to my knitting buddy today. We're getting serious about podcasting now: KTOG podcast (knit two together). We have a lot of work to do on the front end, but I think a monthly podcast with weekly blog posts should be a sustainable formula.

When I have time to breathe, I'm going to set up the email, Twitter, and blog for our podcast. My knitting partner agreed to learn how to do the video editing.

I can't believe I'll be on the road home next weekend. It's just all so fast.

I can't believe I'm 30.

I can't believe the guy I went to junior prom with told me, "Do you know how hard it's been the past ten years to see you with the wrong guys and put our friendship first above my feelings for you?"

Yeah. Life is funny. Let's see where things take us.

P.S. Having to change my thesis project because working with a certain individual became an unprofessional shitshow. That is all I will say at this time.

Death Anxiety and Aging

I can't quite share my exciting news - things aren't finalized and official enough to say something publicly.

I've had real problems since moving out of my ex's place with death anxiety. It doesn't help that I turned 30 today. I'm not doing what I thought I'd be doing. I'm not happy with how my personal life turned out. I really thought I'd be married this month. I didn't expect my dog to get so sick so quickly from cancer.

Taking into account all the anxiety-reducing techniques I've learned over the years (counseling is amazing, counseling is marvelous - I did it; I recommend it), I've been managing pretty well. It's been better this week with my parents here - I haven't thought I'm going to die; I have to die one day, this is really really scary; I don't want to die; Why do I have to die before going to bed in a few days.

The worst part about anxiety is how shameful it is. When people around you don't understand and don't get that you're not really in control of how you're reacting to things. When things are good, they're good, but when you feel like you're ready to burst into tears or run out of the room all at the same time, it makes it really hard to be around other people.

I had a great birthday - I had breakfast with my parents, met someone from the Internet for lunch, went to the movie talk and screening of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. 

On the walk over to the movie talk, I ran into one of my coworkers. I told him my exciting news. He hugged me and wished me the best. I work with great people.

I'm 30. I can't believe it. I know I'm inching closer and closer to death, but I have so much life left to live that I can't be afraid of the unknown forever.

Knitting Pattern

I'm writing my first knitting pattern. It's a kitchen towel, but I haven't finished it yet. I also think I want it to be wider than the prototype, but it's got a garter stitch border and the interior of the towel is a slip stitch pattern. I'll write it up when I finish and maybe put it up on Ravelry.

Tentative Pattern:

CO 40

Knit 10 rows

Row 11 Knit 5 (Knit 1, Slip 1 (purlwise)) until last five stitches, Knit 5

Row 12 Knit 5, Purl until last five stitches, Knit 5

Repeat rows 11 and 12 until piece measures approx. 26 inches

Knit 10 rows.


I managed to knit up an Almost Lost Dishcloth and a Grandma's Best Dishcloth while traveling.

If I have news, I'll post it next week ... on my 30th Birthday!!!

I also finished moving out of my ex's place today. Gave the keys back, the garage door opener. I'm sad. So incredibly sad.

Moving Out is Like Pandora's Box

I'm almost completely out of the old place. I just have to figure out what perishable/nonperishable items I will take out.

I spent three hours boxing and taking the last bits of clutter out of their respective hiding places.

One more final portfolio and I'll be done with summer classes.

I'm still kind of numb/anxious/sad about turning 30 in a few weeks. I'm not where I thought I'd be personally or professionally.

I did decide, come Hell or high water, that I'm going to get the technical writing certificate.

I'll be flying to see my family for a few days this week. It's the balm I need. I might also have new developments to share in the future.

It's Almost Finals Week (Again!)

This upcoming week marks finals week. The summer sessions are very short and I'm in two rather intense classes (hence the ridiculously late posting).

I'm finishing up my freelance project tonight, otherwise I'll turn it in even later than I planned, which is not what I want to do.

I don't even have the headspace to think about what is due tomorrow before 6 p.m. I'm dreading tomorrow morning. I'm not even sure I'll be able to finish everything on time.

It doesn't help that I've had lots of headaches lately that are practically knocking me out. Uff.

I'm knitting though, that keeps the anxiety at bay.

Here's to hoping I survive this week!

The Ex-Tradition of Extradition

The movers came on Tuesday and packed up the majority of my stuff. There are still a few boxes' worth of flotsam and jetsam hanging out the old house. I finally spent the night at my new place on Saturday.

I woke up disoriented. I didn't know where I was and for a few seconds, I had forgotten that I was in a new place.

I still have a carload or two of things to bring over. I know I'm not doing it as fast as I could, because part of me knows that when all of my things are out of there, I will have no reason to go back.

He made us dinner tonight. I wish I could explain how hard it is to extradite myself from more than eight years of a relationship. It wasn't a bad one - he just wasn't happy and hadn't been happy for "a long time."

I'm unpacking. I'm getting things for the new space I will live in. My parents are visiting for my birthday in a few weeks.

I've got two more weeks of classes. I've decided I really can't handle freelance projects that aren't directly related to my MFA professionalization. Once I get my current freelance project done, I'm going to teach another person how to do indexes so I can connect her with my current client.

I'll be up late tonight; I've got lots and lots to work on between classes and freelance life.

I hate packing

Two weeks ago, I found a new place to live. It's closer to work, but there's no garage, no dishwasher, and no laundry facilities. It's something I can afford. It's a short-term lease, which is good since I was invited to apply to a place I made the top seven at so, we'll see.

The whole process of packing up just half the stuff, half of what is mine, it's draining me. It's wearing me out.

Part of it the question of "Whose is this?" Is it more of a gift from my family? Was it really meant for one of us?

I don't even have anything more in me.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015, my ex had our dog euthanized because her cancer was so bad. I took the day off from work. I didn't have work in me that day. I don't have packing in me now; I keep finding her things all over the house, the places she hid her favorite toys - I can't. I can't stand all of this happening all together.

The movers are coming on Tuesday and I've got maybe a dozen boxes half-packed. I'm desperately trying not to freak out or panic, but that plan isn't going well. I'm going to have to explain they can't take every box they see, that they can't just grab stuff without asking or showing me. At least they're getting paid by the hour.

Right now, I'm an angry, angry harpy that's about to go for someone's throat. People need to fucking stop saying "Things happen for a reason." Yeah, they do - it's called he didn't want to marry me. It's called I'm an atheist who can't be out in Texas for personal safety reasons. It's called shut the fuck up about your invisible friend and his plan. M-kay?

Don't exclaim more than eight years is a long time. I FUCKING KNOW IT; I FUCKING GAVE UP SO MANY FUCKING OPPORTUNITIES ($$$$$$$$$$) TO STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. DON'T THINK I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT THE SIX-FIGURE SALARY I COULD BE EARNING RIGHT NOW.

So, say, "Sorry to hear that." Then shut up. Please.

Bare minimum

I got syllabi for the two classes I'm taking that start tomorrow. For the first time since I started the program, I'm going to be very challenged.

I'm moving in a week. I'll be signing my lease and paying rent tomorrow. I'm sad, but looking forward to moving on.

I started packing this long weekend. I only cried a few times, like when I found a toy the dog buried in the guest bed.

I still have to stop looking for the ring.

Casting On New Projects (AKA Avoiding Finals)

Ever since my relationship of eight years ended two weeks ago, I've been spinning my wheels.

The plan was to be done with my freelance project before finals week, but I spent a week just numb and recovering from the shock of the finality of it all.

I reorganized my yarn stash on Saturday and realized I really have a lot of yarn. I need to start making more projects with the patterns I planned for them using yarn I've already bought.

So, I cast on a Firefly Dishcloth last night. It's small enough that I can knit a row or two when I need to think, but it's interesting enough to be a bit of a challenge. I'll finish it up this week and add the yardage to Stash Dash 2015.

I'm itching to cast on a Liason Tee and a Flax sweater. I've got yarn earmarked for both projects. Knitting is so much more fun than doing final portfolios or freelance projects. I'm sure if knitting were my job, I'd have a spotless house ...

The good news is I've found a new apartment. It's super cute, even though there's only street parking and no dishwasher or laundry facilities. But, the price is something I can afford and I can get a six-month lease. Even if some of the job prospects work out sooner rather than later, I can afford to pay for the full term of the lease in order to be able to walk away.

I bought dishes today. They aren't exactly what I wanted, but they're cute - white with blue stripes. I gave away my awesome Coca-Cola set in Georgia because "we don't need two sets of dishes."

Now I'm no longer a we and until today, I didn't have dishes. It's weird to think of myself in only terms of "I" and no longer "we." These dishes are always going to be the set I bought to replace the Coca-Cola plates I loved because "we" didn't need two sets of dishes.

I've got two classes with finals next week. I have a portfolio due Wednesday and a portfolio due Thursday. I also have a three-page essay to write for one of the portfolios. And the freelance project is not done yet. Which is stressful.

But, I have a plan. I have a tentative move-in date. I'm getting ready to move forward.

I'm going to focus on making my new place a home, even if it's only for a few weeks or months. I'm still hopeful something else will stick, even though I'm heartbroken I didn't make it to an in-person interview for the job in Portland. Maybe something else will turn up. Maybe I'm trapped in this city for the rest of my life, working a job that fits like a shoe that leaves blisters.

I just have to stop searching for the ring

Earlier this week, my engagement ended. More than five years of being engaged. More than eight years in a relationship. Over.

I'm sad. The hardest part is that I developed a habit of using my left thumb to make sure the ring was still on my finger. I was so worried when I first started wearing it that I would lose it; I'd flick my thumb across it to make sure it hadn't slipped off. For more than five years, that's how I reminded myself if I had put it on after my shower or after cooking.

I also fiddled with it when standing around, pulling it on and off my ring finger with my right hand. I find my right hand slipping over the left, and not finding it there.

That's when I know it's over. When I search for the ring and I don't find it.

It hasn't really sunk in; I'm looking for a new apartment. I'm looking for ways to move forward with my life.

He's leaving the house tomorrow for three weeks. While he's up visiting relatives, he's going to have our terminally ill dog euthanized. She's really deteriorated and it's the right decision.

Even in the midst of all of this, I just have to stop searching for the ring.

Oopsies!

For the first time since I started this blog, I missed my Sunday post.

I've been working on freelance, paid work and I've been dealing with major life changes.

I can't share everything online just yet, but I wanted you all to know ... winds of change are coming.

Summer Session I Starts Tomorrow!

Tomorrow is when the first summer session begins. I'll be taking two classes, which should keep me fairly busy because the summer session takes place over five weeks rather than 16.

I've already filled out my planner with the first week of summer session's to-do list. It's not as bad as it looks, and writing it down helps keep me on track.

For one class, we'll be reading Second Nature by Jack Collom. I'm not sure it's my cup of tea, but we'll see.

So far, I'm really nailing the schoolwork, so I'm hopeful doing four classes over the summer won't overwhelm me, even though I know I'm moving in a few months.

In other news, I sat down and reworked one of the short stories I wrote for my advanced fiction class last semester and submitted it to an appropriate journal. The journal boasts a two to three day turnaround, which I'll believe when I see. I'm hoping to start publishing more aggressively, especially in the field of fiction since I am leaning toward doing an MFA thesis in fiction.

I'm also working on a top-secret project I can't really talk about right now (hint: it involves a city I love very much). I'm super excited about the word I received today and probably will stay up a little later than usual to finish it up.

I also will work on the index of a book. This is the second major publishing gig in a year I've gotten from my network on Twitter. The pay is fair as well, which is even better. I can't stress enough how wonderful Twitter is for networking once you find the right people to follow and listen to.

My hashtag #altactips is doing fairly well. So far, I'm the main voice in the hashtag, but I do look out for new content and have noticed an uptick in my impressions. I'm averaging more than 100 for most #altactips tweets, which isn't bad considering I'm a relatively small potatoes Twitter user.

Let's hope things stay positive and the secret project turns out to be something I can share here!

Stash Dash 2015

I enjoy watching the video podcast The Knit Girllls and I follow their group on Ravelry. For most of the summer, one of the hosts, Laura (also known as La La) hosts a "stash dash" where members are encouraged to use up the yarn already in their house; you also can count any projects you finish up during this time. For the first time, there are three finish line options: a 3K, 5K, and 10K.

The distances refer to how much yarn you knit. I started a $5 in Paris sweater last Sunday and it is going fast!

I cast this sweater on Sunday, May 24, 2015, and a week later I'm at the ribbing on the bottom. Once I finish with the body and bind it off, I'll be ready to finish up the sleeves!

I haven't really knit the Little Lady Garter Blanket much since I started the sweater, but with more than 24 inches left to knit, well, it's going to be a long time knitting garter stitch. Sadly, even though I'm holding the yarn double, the Stash Dash 2015 rules state you can't count the second skein's yardage in your total. So, even though I'll be creating a double-thick blanket with two skeins of yarn, only one skein's yardage counts. There's lots of disagreement with this rule in the thread; it might change next year, but I won't be knitting double again any time soon because it's such a pain in the butt to work with.

This is the garter stitch that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friend ...

I still need to press the fabric, cut out the bunnies, and stitch them onto my Bunnie Blankie. It's been in hibernation for nearly three weeks. It's on the to-do list that won't get done for awhile. It also won't count for Stash Dash 2015 since I bound it off before the competition started. Sewing finishing touches doesn't count, unfortunately.

I really hate this project at this point. If I hadn't bought the fabric, I would say that I'm done with it, but I'm another $10 of materials in and I want to see how it looks completed. This will happen. Eventually.

I did buy some silk yarn to make the Tunisian crochet multigarment for the Craftsy class "Tunisian Crochet: Revolutions in Color and Style" class I bought a few weeks ago. Thanks to the really low prices at Tuesday Morning, I was able to purchase enough silk yarn for the project for half of other websites. I'm not 100 percent in love with the green I picked for color C in the pattern, but I also am not in love with paying almost $70 in materials for a new-skill project. The wooden Tunisian crochet hooks I bought from Amazon are okay, but they're not great. I bought a second set of sturdier plastic ones, which should arrive here in a few days. We'll see. The right tools make for a better crafting experience!

I will say I was very pleased with the two Craftsy classes I bought that I've already looked into. Eunny Jang's "Choose Your Own Sweater Adventure" has been helpful on my $5 in Paris sweater. I didn't understand some of the directions in the $5 in Paris sweater pattern, but after going to the appropriate (and well outlined) sections in Jang's video, I was able to complete the more technical parts of my first sweater. I'm looking forward to trying her patterns, even though they're written for bulky yarn.

The yarn I bought at Craftsy at the same time as I bought the classes arrived very quickly. I was impressed that all of my yarn (even when I bought 12 of one type) were from the same dye lot. I'm going to try to make the Tree of Life afghan, but probably won't start it until after the summer is over given its level of technical difficulty and sheer size.

As the summer progresses, we'll see if I have time to do more than the 3K. I might not even finish that, especially once summer classes start.

I'm going to be taking four summer classes - two first session and two second session. I still owe the university money for my summer classes. I'll get right on that after I get back from my knitting group that happens at 10:30 a.m.

Another week, another project

I finally cast on a sweater. I'll be attempting $5 in Paris. The first attempt I accidentally twisted and created a Möbius strip.

The second start is going much better. I hope to finish the ribbing tomorrow.

I also bought some Craftsy classes and am working on learning Tunisian crochet. The set of Tunisian hooks I bought on Amazon aren't working out as well as I would have wanted, but I will keep practicing.

Crafting is really relaxing and I am enjoying the three weeks between semesters.

Today wasn't a great day, but I found comfort in knitting.

Checking in on New Year's Resolutions

It's almost June. How that happened is beyond me.

I wanted to revisit  where I am with my New Year's goals.

Personal:

Knit at least two patterns from books I already own using yarn I've already purchased.

• Halfway there. Knit one pattern from a books I already own with yarn I specifically bought.
• I am probably going to try and knit a linen top I bought a pattern and yarn for last year over the summer. I feel much more confident in my knitting and fixing skills to actually knit the liaison tee or $5 in Paris.

Lose weight and maintain that weight at 159 pounds or less by next year.

• hahahhahahahahahaaa. No. Not happening. The best I got down to was 165 and now I'm back up to 175. I'm trying. And failing.

Exercise at least two days per week.

• I skipped yoga for a few weeks over finals. I'm averaging about 5,000 steps a day on my Fitbit, which isn't great, but isn't terrible. No, I am not even close to meeting this goal.

Decide whether or not to pursue a technical writing certificate concurrently with my MFA.

• This got put completely on the back burner while I am sorting out my personal and professional life. I'll have an answer by late June about this. I'll have to apply for the spring rather than the fall, but that's okay.

Submit to at least three literary journals by the end of the spring semester.

• NAILED IT. I applied to Rattle, Georgia Review, Gigantic Sequins, and the Ruth Lilly and Dorothy Sargent Rosenberg Poetry fellowship.
• I plan on continuing to submit and will be submitting a short story to Asimov's by the end of the summer. It needs more work, but I think I have a solid start on what will be an interesting tale.

Plan a trip around the world.

• Also on the back burner while I deal with personal issues. I wish I could go into more detail, but I'll have answers about my personal life by mid-June and will be able to either move forward in my relationship or move forward as an individual.

Professional:

1. Continue improving my editing skills and knowledge of AP Style. - Check.
2. Improve workflow processes. - Working on this.
3. Find more opportunities for professional development. - Actively working on this.
4. Be the best mentor I can be. - Check. I absolutely nailed this goal with Project IMPACT. It was incredibly rewarding on a personal and professional level and I can't wait to continue my mentoring relationship with my current mentee and to mentor a new student next year.
5. Trip around the world/keeping job - On the back burner until I figure out my personal life.

Academic:

1. Apply for graduate school scholarships in January. - Failed. Wasn't sure if I qualified as staff with my tuition discount, so I didn't pursue anything.
2. Apply for the staff scholarship in August. - Pending personal life resolving itself.
3. Maintain a 3.5 GPA - So far so good, still waiting on final grades from spring, but I know two classes are A's, so ... can't be that bad in the other two.
4. Staff tuition discounts/travel - On hold because of my personal life.

So, some goals are going better than others. This is the first year I've really thought about what I wanted to accomplish in 12 months. I'm proud I'm continuing to blog weekly (sorry this is a later Sunday post than usual) and I'm proud that I'm improving my digital footprint by generating content for Blogger and Twitter.

All in all, my personal goals are going better than my professional ones, but once I have some answers in June, I'll be able to move forward with my life.

Academic Privilege Check

I could have a master's or doctoral committee made up entirely of people of my gender and this committee would not constitute every, single person of my gender in my department.

I could find at least one member of my race/ethnicity to be part of my committee. This person would not be the only member of my race or ethnicity in the department.

I could find at least one committee member of my gender who had a similar parenting or family situation to mine.

I would not be told by a committee member to spend less time with my newborn child.

Margaret Atwood retweeted me!!!

I've got finals to write this weekend and a lot of social events, so I'm going to keep up the spirit of my New Year's Resolution and doing a brief weekly post.

Margaret Atwood retweeted me this week! Squee!!!

Margaret Atwood retweeted me this week. Day made.

How are online degrees viewed? (A response)

The following is a modified version of my response to a question asked in the MLA Commons.

The original question was essentially that the professor had a student who wanted to pursue her master's, but because her husband was in the military, had to do an online degree or wait for another PCS (Permanent Change of Station) move to do so.

Here is my edited (for direct criticisms of my current program; I know better than to bite the hand that feeds me outside a paywall) response:

I completely understand your student’s desire to have a portable degree, since I too am attached to someone in the military and am currently pursing an online master’s (I already hold a tradition master’s and doctorate). Online degrees are losing their stigma. However, one had to consider the reputation of the school providing the degree. If it’s Podunk University, well, you still have Podunk University’s reputation.

The most important thing for her to consider is if the university has any distinction in the course catalog between traditional brick-and-mortar degrees and online degrees. If the course numbers are the same and a lay person couldn’t tell the difference between the online English class and the in-the-classroom course, then go for it. The diploma doesn’t say “X University online,” so don’t make any fuss about having taken courses online versus in the classroom.

She needs to make sure the online degree is accredited from a respected authority. Let’s be honest, University of Phoenix is something you need to steer her away from, because its degrees are not as respected.

If she doesn’t plan on entering academia, most people don’t care if it’s online or in person, they just care you checked the box and got the degree for the position. If she does plan on entering academia, then minimize the fact it was online. “I attended X university 20XX – 20YY and received a master’s in English.” Only mention online if teaching online is a component for the job description. Otherwise, mum’s the word.

Now, I’m in an online program, so I can be blunt about the following: the quality of the online education depends greatly on the student. A lot of programs treat online classes like cash cows, and the support and best education practices are just not there. My brick-and-mortal master’s was far more challenging and difficult.

Plus, a lot of universities do not have the same library resources available for their online students. It’s hard to write a thesis using only JSTOR; your student will need to see what library resources (books, physical books) are made available so she has a shot at writing a solid thesis, if the program requires one.

The lack of library resources is something to consider when working on final semester/quarter projects as well. If she ever wants to consider a doctoral program, she will have to prepare, long distance, to produce strong term papers she could submit as writing samples. If she can’t, well, then it’s not helping her long-term.

As a fellow person tied to the military, the online classes provide an explanation in your resume for a gap in employment. It’s easier to say, “I was a full-time student” than “I’m a military partner.” The online classes, if done well (and this absolutely is dependent upon institution), can provide a sense of community, which is something that moving around a lot can take from you.

Another thing about online classes (again, dependent upon institution) is who is teaching, what is available, and when those classes are available. Again, the cash cow problem – some universities hire a bunch of adjunct/temp faculty to teach graduate courses, but those faculty are not eligible to direct thesis projects. So, your student can take five classes with Professor X, only to learn only Professor A and Z are the only faculty eligible to direct thesis projects, and Professor A requires you to be in two classes before even considering you as a student.

Some classes are on the books and have never been taught. Sometimes there are so many students who want/need classes that there aren’t enough seats and you take extra semesters to graduate. She needs to look into how often classes are offered and how long it really takes students to graduate. She doesn’t want a two-year program dragging on for four years.

Also, online classes can be expensive and poorly designed. If this is the case, then your student needs to push herself to do the best she can under the circumstances. Besides, graduate education is often more about what you learn and how you learn than the classes themselves.

If she and her partner have the financial resources and this is something she wants to do (from an accredited university), then go for it. If the transcript doesn’t distinguish between online/in-person classes, then minimize that she took it online and check the block. If the accreditation committee says it’s an accredited master’s degree, then it’s an accredited master’s degree. Only emphasize online if they ask her to teach online classes.

There are a lot of military partners who pursue online degrees because of the constant military moves. She might meet a fellow online classmate during a coffee social or FRG meeting!

Sunday is finally getting back to normal

For the past several weeks, my knitting buddy has been gone, dealing with a family situation. While I'm happy she's back, I'm sad it's because her family member died.

I'm looking forward to my routine.

I'm also doing an Internet meetup. I feel bad leaving the puppy alone for several hours while I do this, but at the same time, I don't want to leave her for the four or five hours I'll be gone, but at the same time, I have to realize that before she got sick, I'd leave her for that long anyways.

We've had a decent week - fewer accidents in the house (a combination of discontinuing one of the medicines and us monitoring her water intake and bathroom breaks much more carefully) and she's feeling a bit better and not limping as much.

It's hard to watch her be so ill. It really, really is.

I'll keep working on the new baby blanket project. It uses Lion Brand's Pound of Love. I'm using two skeins and holding the yarn double. I cast on 134 stitches and hopefully that will be wide enough for a baby blanket. I already ripped back and restarted once, because I thought I'd do a checkers blanket. Unfortunately, the yarn held single was going to make the project take forever and then if I followed the pattern to recipe, it was going to be too short.

When making last-minute baby gifts, it's best to use thick/chunky yarn, because it knits up quicker. The Pound of Love is great, but because it is thinner, it takes longer to work with. I'm still working on the Bunny Blankie, but that's because I'm sick of the daisy stitch, even though I only have one ounce of yarn left. A Pound of Love isn't enough to knit the Bunny Blanket to recipe, sadly. However, I don't want to find another skein of it, so it will probably be about six to eight inches shorter than the pattern calls for. I don't think that will be a problem; it's actually pretty long/big as it is.

I also need to mail my Banana Bunch Blankie to my college roommate. I'm going to sit down and write the cards; the rest of the package is ready to go: the blanket, some onesies, two books, burp cloths .... all in yellow or with ducks on them because they don't know what they're having yet, and, in general, I try to avoid gendered colors whenever possible when gifting for babies. (Yes, the new baby blanket project is an exception to the I-avoid-gendered-colors rule.)

Back when I was knitting the Banana Bunch Blankie. It knit up very nicely because it only had a four-row pattern repeat.

It's great to have my knitting group back. I still have homework to do and fellowships to write up and finish, but I still need a few hours to myself today.

Death Comes Slowly

With all the hooplah of sudden and unexpected death from car and plane crashes, house fires, and accidents, it's hard to face death when it comes slowly.

Our dog has had noticeable symptoms of canine lymphoma since November 2014. We did not get an official diagnosis until a few weeks ago, and we've been doing an aggressive round of chemotherapy in the hopes of extending her life.

Sleeping with her favorite toy - Tiger.

Unfortunately, this week we learned her white blood cells are very high and it's not a good idea to continue chemotherapy right now. The steroids make her extremely thirsty, which means we're having a lot more accidents in the house.

Her body is shutting down, little by little. She's spent most of this weekend sleeping on the tile floor because she's too hot to lay down on the bed. We're keeping the air conditioning at 70 degrees because any higher and she lays there and pants and pants and pants. It's heartbreaking. And we're freezing.

If we stick to steroids and pain medicine only, we're looking at one to two more months. We're hoping to make her as comfortable as possible and I'm hoping against hope that her white cells go down and we can restart the CHOP protocol next weekend. If not, well, it won't be overnight, but death will be here shortly.

No one told me dying would take this long. No one told me watching my dog die from lymphoma would break my heart this much.

Things I accomplished this weekend

Books I read (start to finish):
Divergent by Veronica Roth (4/5 stars)
Insurgent by Veronica Roth (4/5 stars)
A Boy Called It by Dave Pelzer (3/5 stars)
The Lost Boy by Dave Pelzer (2/5 stars)
A Brother's Journey by Richard Pelzer (2/5 stars)

I was in a bit of a "read for fun" mood. Not that the books I picked were particularly long or difficult, but I did manage to read five of them.

Started reading Allegiant by Veronica Roth. Pretty meh about it. Not super in love with the shift in point of view. Feels like it suffers from what I call "trilogy syndrome." Same thing happened with Hunger Games, but at least Insurgent had some (veiled) sex.

School
Finished everything for class for the week. Didn't get ahead on any reading. Wasn't really feeling it. Well aware I have many projects that aren't due until finals week and that if I keep putting them off, I will be a stressed out mess in three weeks.

Knitting
Started knitting a hat with yarn I was gifted. Knit a bit on a baby hat I'm making for my college roommate's baby. I need to finish it up and mail it off soon though.

Dog
Dealt with the dog having urinary incontinence: three pee spots carpet cleaned with the Bissel Green vacuum. We're trying disposable diapers. It's not going well.

The cancer is just unending. She's happy still, but her health, well, I mean, it's only a matter of time, but it's hard to watch her die.

Translation Project
Finally sat down and made the changes the author requested. Disagree with one change, we'll see how the writer takes it.

When I'm allowed to talk about publication and such, I will definitely have an update here.

Guild Wars 2
Played a few hours for fun. Miss my guild; they changed servers a few weeks ago, but I don't feel like paying for another transfer after less than two months on our current server, so I'm staying put for now.

Guns on Campus - Rape Culture Gets Another Weapon

Guns on campus. Guns at my workplace. Great.

What upsets me most about this debate is how it's being used as a defense against rape. 

Concealed carry on campus as a defense against sexual violence is problematic. It's another way of saying, "It's your fault you got raped." The dominant narrative is if you don't scream or fight, then it can't be rape - ignoring the fact that 73 percent of sexual assaults are perpetrated by a non-stranger. Now rape culture gets another angle, "Why didn't you have a concealed carry permit? It's your fault (again)."

The real villain in campus sexual assaults is the prevailing attitude that men are owed women's bodies. I have heard that "women are the keepers of sex." Bro attitude much? 

This narrative of women owing men sex and that if men just ask/pester enough they will be given what they are owed damages healthy relationships.

Men - women do not owe you a damn thing. If you're pissed that you paid for dinner and got no sex, then next time either go Dutch or tell her beforehand you'd like her to pick up the check. Your money does not entitle you to anything other than the service you paid for.

Don't replicate the patriarchy. Women are not property to be passed among the hands of men. We owe you jack. fucking. shit.

I don't need the water torture of "if I pester her enough, she'll change her mind." No, no, no.

I don't need conservative voices saying concealed carry is a rape-prevention strategy. I don't need rape culture getting yet another weapon to say women are at fault for the sexual violence perpetrated against them. Rapists are at fault and rapists do not need society giving their actions yet another excuse.

My dog is dying and it's not fair

The blood work showed that the chemo may be doing more harm than good. If we stop the chemo, I'm not sure how much longer our dog will live.

It's not fair. It's just not fair.

I'm trying to stay focused on school and work, but I've been putting things for class off all week.

I'm also trying to figure out some rules for certain tests and possible job leads if we PCS to Germany. And the we only happens if we go to the courthouse, which my partner is still on the fence about.

Here's to doing the minimum and going on autopilot.

When it's hard to be an atheist

My dog is dying of cancer. The past two weeks have been pretty sad - she won't put weight on one of her paws and is in a lot of pain from the fluid buildup causing her bones to swell.

It's hard to be an atheist when people and things you love are dying or die.

Would it be comforting to think I'd see them again when I died? Yes, of course it would. But believing in an afterlife is like drinking ... it's numbing you to reality.

For me, this is it. Life and time is precious because I get one shot at it. Death is death.

I've known I was an atheist for a very long time. Before I was 10, for sure, but I wasn't allowed to say I was. ("Stop scaring the babysitter," was what one parent told me.)

It would be great to think the people and things I loved could hear me and I could speak to them. But I don't believe in God and I'm not going to start because death is coming.

I will grieve, but my grief is rooted in the knowledge that there is nothing after we die.

Living in the South for the past three years, I've learned to avoid talking about church and religion. Most folks don't know I'm not a believer, although I'm sure many of them suspect something is up.

Militant atheists are as annoying as militant religious people. Two sides of the same coin if you ask me.

I work for a public institution, so I am always pointing out when we may not want to come across as endorsing religion.

However, this does not mean I do not support the religious beliefs of my colleagues. Good Friday means there are like of us non-Catholics at the office that day. It doesn't bother me; if I had an equivalent holiday, I would be granted the same leave as them, so why be upset about it?

I also made sure that this Friday, when it was my turn for the weekly breakfast, to make sure nothing had meat, since it's Lent. Do I observe Lent? Nope. How do I know it's Lent? The gazillion "fillet o' fish" commercials for McDonald's. That's how.

Nevertheless, I recognize that Lent is a particularly important time for my Catholic colleagues. Thanks to the Internet, I was able to read up on the particulars of the requirements and so I was able to accommodate their dietary restrictions. (If anyone gave up anything particular for Lent, I was not aware of it.)

My atheism is not about having anyone else believe what I believe; rather, it is about what I perceive to be the truth. How can I follow any religion that says my gender is inferior? How can I believe in this all-knowing, all-seeing deity when other adherents to that belief system were exceptionally cruel to me? No thank you.

If there is a Hell, I'll see you there.

Guest Post on PhD Talk

Twitter has been amazing for my postac/altac network. Case in point: I found Eva Lantsoght on Twitter. Like me, she's got her doctorate and plays the cello. She invited me to write an article for her blog and I happily obliged.

You can find my Thursday, March 12, 2015,  guest post on self-care habits in the academy on her website phdtalk.blogspot.com right here.

Mini update

This past week has been midterms for me, so I have been rather busy. I still have a few discussion board posts to write and reply to before midnight, but overall, online classes are in good shape. The first chapter of my novel went over very well and several people wanted to see the second chapter as my second project for the course.

I am still working on my New Year's Resolution of using yarn and patterns I already own when making projects. I am almost done with the Bunny Blankie, but the daisy stitch is really repetitive and I don't think I'll have enough yarn to make the full 44-inch length. I needed a couple of weeks away from it because I was getting tired of the whole thing.

I did, however, finish the baby cozy, but I still have to sew on the hook and loop tape (Velcro) since I decided to forgo the buttons. I also started the hat that goes with the pattern, learning how to do an I-cord in the process. It's looking like 420 yards of sport weight yarn will be enough for the whole project, which did not take that long and if the Velcro modification works out well, then it may become my go-to baby gift.

I am working on incorporating more exercise into my week. The dog's daycare has new, longer hours, making it easier for me to get 20 to 30 minutes of exercise in before work. Since I made by twice-a-week workout goal for a month, I treated myself to a Fabletics outfit (full disclosure: I get $10 in credit if you sign up using that link).

I don't do buy from Fabletics often, and I've had one pair of leggings I bought have the crotch rip out during yoga, but overall, I've liked the outfits. It's a pick-me-up. It's harder than I thought to maintain exercise in my routine when I work full time and have four classes this semester. Then I come home to the invisible labor of making dinner, cleaning the house, doing laundry ... it's all exhausting.

The dog started limping on her other front paw on Tuesday and when my partner took her in to the vet on Thursday, the vet upped the dog's pain pills. The second round of chemo is a pill and done at home. We have to wear gloves and wash our hands since it's radioactive.

We took the dog on a three-mile walk yesterday. It's great to see her so happy and energetic. Well worth the cost of chemo to combat this canine lymphoma.

Today, I will knit at home instead of going to my knitting group because my knitting partner is visiting an ill family member, head over to the gym in my new outfit, go to Costco afterward, and work on homework and essays for the rest of the day. The weekends just seem to fly by.

I dyed my hair purple - Coping with my dog's cancer diagnosis

For several months, our dog has been sick. It started in November right after we got back from a friend's wedding.

We came home, and the dog wouldn't eat. Three days later, her stomach was hot, like an oven, to the touch. We rushed her to the vet on Saturday, were given antibiotics, but after ten days, the cough wouldn't go away.

The vet thought it might be a drug-resistant strain of pneumonia. Another ten-day course of antibiotics.

She seemed well enough when we boarded her for Christmas break, but on New Year's Day, we got a call from our boarding/daycare place. The dog was coughing again. We were going to be home in a few days, so we said we'd take her to the vet.

We did X-Rays. There was a mass in her chest, which in November, the vet had thought was pneumonia. We paid to send the X-Rays to a specialist. The conclusion: either fungal infection or cancer.

I remembered my college roommate is now a practicing vet. I called her and asked for her professional opinion. She agreed with everything our vet was doing, but told me that if it was cancer, it would be fast since our dog was so young.

As bad as a fungal infection could be, we hoped it was fungal, but as every test for fungus came back negative, the reality of it being cancer started to set in.

We were faced with a choice: a chest biopsy or a shot of Elspar. Elspar works by starving cancer cells of an enzyme they need to reproduce. The vet said if the Elspar worked, it would work right away, but the effect would be short-term.

We decided to try the Elspar. There was a risk of allergic reaction and death, so the night before the procedure, we decided to let her have some tuna. Google says dogs can have tuna. Google failed to mention tuna can make the dog very sick.

The next day, at the vet's, the dog had a slight fever and then suddenly puked. This meant she was ineligible to start the Elspar that day. I had started to drive toward work, but then I turned around to go pick her up. The vet's office gave her a shot of anti-nausea medicine.

I had decided to take her to daycare, and I was seriously a mile away from the business, when she proceeded to vomit and have diarrhea all over the back of my car. Thank goodness for the two layers of blankets and dog covers I have in the back. May you never know was tuna vomit/diarrhea in an enclosed space smells like.

Also, remember Google can lie.

I called work and took a comp day and took the dog back to the vet, where her temperature was down and she was just fine and dandy, although she had diarrhea every couple of hours for the rest of the day. She was doing the diarrhea-I-might-shit-in-this-corner dance as I walked in with the holy mess from the back of my car. Narrowly avoided that misery.

So, the next day, we did the Elspar shot and by that afternoon ... our dog was back to herself. It was bittersweet to see her so happy and playful; it meant it was cancer.

The vet in the office handling our case was out of town the week following the Elspar shot, so this Tuesday, she called me.

The dog's life expectancy, with chemo, is six to 18 months. Without it, 30 to 60 days. We're doing the most effective chemo, the CHOP protocol. Chemo is well tolerated in dogs, and according to the literature, chemo improves their quality of life.

The specialist radiologist said the tumor by her heart had shrunk, and her liver and spleen were smaller. This mean her liver and spleen had/have tumors. This makes her cancer Stage IV (V is the worst), type b (symptomatic).

I texted my partner and lied. He's out dealing with live ammunition and I need him to be focused on his job. I texted him if the dog makes it to 18 months, we'd need to go see an oncologist. I left out that if she made it to 18 months, we'd need to see the canine oncologist because she would have beaten the odds.

Our dog is two. TWO.

We planned on at least a decade with her.

My partner loves her. We were together seven, eight years when we got the dog  and not once had I heard him sing - not even in the shower. Then we got this dog and he started making up lullabies for her, singing to her, cradling her like a baby.

I thought, how, how can I tell this man his dog has six to 18 months to live?

I've spent a lot of the past few days crying. Even writing this post, I can't stop feeling sad.

It isn't fair. I can't fix this. I can't make her stop hurting. There is no magic science to fix this and I feel so helpless.

We started chemo on Saturday. What we thought was a sprained paw turned out to be a rare complication. The fluid from the tumor by her chest is causing her bones to expand and making her limp. We can manage the pain and hopefully as the tumors shrink (if the respond to the protocol), her leg will get better.

Day one of chemo.

I hadn't realized I had schedule a hair appointment for the same time as the puppy's chemo treatment, so I rescheduled my hair appointment.

I wanted to feel something other than sad. As I drove over to the salon, I thought about what I should do. I decided, impulsively, to dye my hair purple.

It's a temp dye that will wash out over the month, but it's something to say "fuck cancer" and "this sucks."

I dyed my hair purple to cope with the dog's diagnosis.

You can tell I went with purple if you look at my hair in the sunlight. Inside, it looks like a dyed it black. Natural light shows the purple tones.

The puppy has been more herself this weekend. Even with her hurt paw, she wanted to go on some walks. We did a longer one and two shorter ones. She's bringing me toys to play with and wants to play games. It's good to see her feeling well.

On the flip side, I have been trying to cope and deal with the grief from knowing this wonderful, loving creature won't be in my life for very much longer. I had worried more about a rattlesnake or car killing her. Cancer? Cancer was for old dogs. Not my little princess.

It's wonderfully freeing though. I mean, I got fast food the other day and I gave her a few french fries. I confessed this to my partner and he said, "Well, she has cancer. I might have given her some sausage when I made spaghetti the other night."

All the toys I keep up in reserve because she plays rough? Cut all the tags off them and gave them to her. The toys I put up and do supervised play with? Here they are, go and de-stuff them and shred them to pieces! I feel like giving her a treat, I do. She's probably not making it to ten with lymphoma, so why give a fuck about verboten people treats? (We make sure they are dog-safe, don't freak out people.)

The hard part is thinking about ... what if we get something for her and she never gets to use it?

I ordered some baking clay to do a pawprint keepsake. I want to do it while she is feeling well. I don't want the memory of the pawprint to be "we did this the day she died." I want it to be while she is feeling good and racing around the house and being a happy dog.

I'm still grieving over the diagnosis and uncertainty, but I am celebrating life with my purple hair and my happy puppy.

I'm going to miss his tweets

Any here want to make me their honorary grandfather consider it done. LLAP
— Leonard Nimoy (@TheRealNimoy) January 15, 2014

I am honored to have so many honorary grandchildren. Blessings on all. LLAP
— Leonard Nimoy (@TheRealNimoy) January 15, 2014

I'm so proud of all my honorary family. Be kind to one another and make the world a better place. Love, LLAP
— Leonard Nimoy (@TheRealNimoy) January 17, 2014

Please, be kind to one another and make the world a better place. Live long and prosper Mr. Nimoy.

A Year Later: Still Not Back to Normal

I do yoga two to three times a week. It was in class this week that I realized I'm not back to my old self.

Let me explain. About a year ago, I was in yoga class when I did a downward dog and felt a little woozy. As the class went into the second downward dog, so did I, only I went from feeling woozy to feeling an incredible sense of dread and became lightheaded. I went into child's pose and didn't move.

I was covered in sweat, and not the kind from working out. It was a cold sweat and I only felt dread and nausea. I left yoga class early and by the time I got to my office, I realized I really needed help.

One of my coworkers drove me to the nearby urgent care, where I was told to go home immediately and call 9-1-1 or go to my nearest emergency room if the symptoms I felt during yoga came back at any time.

I was 28.

Then began a several-month odyssey to figure out what was wrong. My insurance was billed more than $20,000 and I was billed for $5,000 (don't worry, I negotiated several of those bills down).

I had only been at my place of employment for seven or eight months and I was starting to burn through my sick leave.

I was meeting with HR reps and learning about the policies of "What happens if I run out of sick leave? What happens if I need open heart surgery this summer? What happens if I end up disabled from this?"

I realized I could never lose my job or my benefits. It's bankruptcy or death if I do. Because the U.S. does not have a national healthcare system, I can never ever give up a job with benefits. It would take a quarter of the income I'm earning now to just maintain the premiums, not to mention the several thousands of dollars I spend each year out of pocket on co-pays and prescriptions.

Would I like to chase my dreams and start my own editorial business or go back to academia or move to another state to be closer to my family? Absolutely. I can't afford to leave a job that has decent job security when I know I have this ticking time bomb.

Would I like to move to an area that is less critically under served so I could get more reliable healthcare with shorter wait times? Yes, but I can't leave this job and its benefits.

All it takes is for one thing to be slightly off and I could be right back where I was last year.

I didn't feel well for more than six months. It was exhausting. I felt so ill all the time.

I realized I still don't feel 100 percent this week; I can't do the balance poses I could a year ago. That sense of balance is completely gone.

What makes it worse is that several people at work don't understand. Because I look fine, I should feel fine. So, I have doctor's notes, paperwork, and proof.

I hate feeling sick. It's this exhaustion that is never really gone. I can't spring out of bed. I have to be extremely careful about how long I'm standing and how I'm feeling.

I barely have any sick leave because I have to use it all the time.

I tie myself in knots to minimize how much sick leave I use, but those efforts are not appreciated, so I have stopped trying to tie myself in a bow. I have sick leave and I have the legal right to use it.

On No Longer Being a College Instructor

A little more than two years ago, I taught my last class. There were a whole host of problems with that adjunct job (the least of which was that I was lied to about how many classes they had the budget for me to teach), but I still enjoyed teaching. In fact, the reason I didn't walk off the first day when I realized how much I had been lied to was that I wasn't going to abandon my students or leave them in the lurch for the administration's misdeeds.

I miss teaching. I was following my passion. I had even used those words, "following my passion" to describe how I felt. Of course, I was delightfully naive and only two months into the academic job search at the time.

Turning off what you were trained to do is hard; I still plan classes, read up on pedagogy, and research the newest and most effective teaching methods. It's all moot though. I won't take part-time work and I won't accept a position without health benefits.

Why?

Because I am worthy of a salary. Because I don't want to have to declare bankruptcy from medical debt. Because I have been on the adjunct hamster wheel and I am not getting back on that ride.

Technically, I could try again when the MLA annual conference comes to Texas next year, but the reality is that my PhD is stale. I have zero articles and no book contracts. If I want to get back in, I've got a lot of work to do so and I'd rather follow my new passion: creative writing.

I do look back at my teaching evaluations. I was always above center of mass. I even had one quarter where I was 4.7 or a 4.8 out of 5. I had great written comments. Students would take as many classes in sequence with me as they could, even if they weren't morning people. I have many thank you notes, which are very precious to me.

It would be a lie to say I don't feel like a failure. I feel like I failed myself, my adviser, my department, my university. I still can't go through the boxes with my graduate school books and papers.

I have teacher's copies of textbooks so I could write more syllabuses for introductory and culture classes, but I never made it that far in the interview process. Now, these books are outdated and I'm no longer a teacher of record so I won't be able to get new copies to write updated syllabuses.

I'm torn because I spent thousands of dollars on books for my academic library, and the reality is that they have been in the same boxes since I moved to Georgia and then Texas.

Unopened boxes. Unrealized dreams.

My therapy has been to put my teaching and job application materials online for free. I have my syllabuses and sample PowerPoint presentations on my academia.edu page. At least my work is helping someone else. Perhaps in a pathetic sort of way, I'm hoping this digital portal helps my job search and attempts to get back into the academy.

The reality is that I did as much as I could have done from a non-Ivy school to try to get a place on the tenure track.

I didn't win the academic lottery. I didn't have the name-brand recognition. Plain and simple.

So here I am, no longer a college instructor.