Moving Can (and Does) Get Worse

My coffee table did not survive the move. The weight of the boxes on top of it made the legs collapse, which caused the box (with canned goods) underneath it to be crushed, which caused the liquid in the canned goods to spill, which caused the wardrobe box and several other boxes to become soaked, which caused the clothes and books and papers to mildew.

This means I'm not leaving a five-star review for the moving company that packed up and loaded my POD in Texas.

On the plus side, not too many books were ruined, and the stuff that was ruined is well below my $500 deductible, so it's not really worth making a claim and raising my insurance rates.

I can see the carpet again. Small progress. It's overwhelming still. I'm trying to ferret out which boxes were ruined and which boxes have wet bottoms or wet things in them thanks to the collapse and domino effect.

This next week will be dealing with my car and the driver's test and the insurance and the PO box and and and and and. I'll manage to get it all done, but it's exhausting to think about.

I'm shocked at how much crafting stuff I have. Now that I'm in a smaller space, seeing all the bags and bins of yarn, notions, and tools made me realize that I have way more stuff for knitting than I thought and that I really need to honor my goals and New Year's resolutions to knit down my stash before adding more to it. Then again, I just bought three kits' worth of yarn from Craftsy and that box arrived. The yarn is so squishy and lovely, but looking at how much yarn I have, I really can't order from there (or anywhere else) for a long time.

My mom offered to mail my ex's box to him and I took her up on it. I don't have the time to mail it off and get everything for work done while also trying to set up my legal residence. It doesn't help that I don't have a lease the government would really call a lease. I have an email. I doubt an email will be acceptable to the DMV and/or U.S. Post Office. So, I'm going to get my insurances switched over to my new state and go from there.

On the plus side, my Friday bowling date (followed by an impromptu walk in the park and then coffee at Powell's on Burnside) went well. Not sure I'm feeling anything romantic for the guy, but I am enjoying his company.

I'm unpacking. I'm settling in. I'm trying to make this home.

Guns on Campus - Rape Culture Gets Another Weapon

Guns on campus. Guns at my workplace. Great.

What upsets me most about this debate is how it's being used as a defense against rape. 

Concealed carry on campus as a defense against sexual violence is problematic. It's another way of saying, "It's your fault you got raped." The dominant narrative is if you don't scream or fight, then it can't be rape - ignoring the fact that 73 percent of sexual assaults are perpetrated by a non-stranger. Now rape culture gets another angle, "Why didn't you have a concealed carry permit? It's your fault (again)."

The real villain in campus sexual assaults is the prevailing attitude that men are owed women's bodies. I have heard that "women are the keepers of sex." Bro attitude much? 

This narrative of women owing men sex and that if men just ask/pester enough they will be given what they are owed damages healthy relationships.

Men - women do not owe you a damn thing. If you're pissed that you paid for dinner and got no sex, then next time either go Dutch or tell her beforehand you'd like her to pick up the check. Your money does not entitle you to anything other than the service you paid for.

Don't replicate the patriarchy. Women are not property to be passed among the hands of men. We owe you jack. fucking. shit.

I don't need the water torture of "if I pester her enough, she'll change her mind." No, no, no.

I don't need conservative voices saying concealed carry is a rape-prevention strategy. I don't need rape culture getting yet another weapon to say women are at fault for the sexual violence perpetrated against them. Rapists are at fault and rapists do not need society giving their actions yet another excuse.

Dragon or Windmill? On Picking Your Battles

Is this a dragon or a windmill?

Dragons are meant to be slayed and windmills, well, by windmills, I am borrowing from my doctoral background and training, which is in Spanish literature. I am talking about the novel Don Quijote and how in one scene the protagonist charges at windmills, telling everyone else that they are giants.

Don Quijote expends a lot of energy going after windmills.

In graduate school, I learned how to balance micro and macro goals. There is the nitty gritty, day-to-day and there's also the bigger picture. On a day-to-day basis, certain things felt like dragons that needed to be slayed, but in the bigger, macro picture, well, they were just windmills.

My final year as a doctoral student, there were many things that as a first-year graduate student, I would have thought they were dragons that needed to be slayed. In my last year, well, turns out those things were actually windmills. Perspective comes with time and distance.

You have to decide very bluntly if the time, energy, and resources you put into something are adding to your final goal (graduation) or subtracting from it (taking longer or not finishing).

For instance, I have family members with lots of medical knowledge who taught me how to navigate and deal with insurance companies. Several other graduate students approached me to serve as the health insurance liaison for the Graduate Student Association. I was flattered. I would have been good at it. The last woman who served as the liaison took an extra two years to finish her degree because the position ate up a lot of time.

So, I said no. Rather, by that point I had learned how to say no. "I'm so flattered you thought of me. I don't have the time to dedicate to the position because I'm focused on finishing my thesis by next spring."

If you are not selfish and self-interested in graduate school, you will not finish. If your goal is to earn your degree, then you have to learn how to say no.

Decide what things are windmills and what are dragons. Now, if those windmills are truly giants in your world, then go ahead and charge at them, but do so knowing you still have a dragon to slay.

I’d save my charging at large things for dragons. Is what you’re about to spend your time and energy on a windmill or a dragon?

Your dissertation is a dragon. Work on slaying it. Anything that is not the equivalent of a dragon is not worth your time or emotional energy.

Windmills can wait.

Dragons cannot, since they breathe fire and all.

Speaking of fires, you will need to learn how to decide which fires to put out and which fires to let burn. Graduate school (and as I have found out work 40 hours a week) is about triage and time management. Life is a series of questions like "What is on fire, when is something going to be set on fire, and how do I put out this fire/these fires?"

Much like the dragon vs. windmill debate, you have to ask yourself about the big picture.

Will this really matter in five years?

Ten?

Fifteen?

Twenty?

You have to balance the tunnel vision of the moment in graduate school (or a moment at work) with the larger picture of the future. The pressure and stress of graduate school often makes it seem as everything you are doing in this very moment is the most important thing in the world.

On one hand, yes, you want to make sure your class performance is positive, but you have to resist the tunnel vision and ask yourself, will I look back on this in five, ten, fifteen, or twenty years and still feel this thing was still as important now as it was back then?

Think back of the things that stressed you out five years ago. What were the things that made it feel like the sky was falling? Five years later, would they still make the sky fall for you? The more things we experience, the more likely we are to learn how to manage and handle these events.

Graduate school is very similar. At times, the expectations and events will overwhelm you. It’s natural; it’s a brand new experience you have not adapted to quite yet. When the anxiety, stress, and panic seem overwhelming, take a step back and ask yourself, “Will this really matter in five years?”

Always ask yourself, is this a dragon worth slaying or a windmill I should walk past?