2015 New Year's Resolutions - A Review and Prep for 2016 New Year's Resolutions

As I started this blog last year, I set out three categories for my 2015 New Year's resolutions: personal, professional, and academic.

In the personal realm, I had six goals: knit at least two patterns from books I already own using yarn I've already purchased; lose weight and maintain that weight at 159 pounds or less by next year; exercise at least two days per week; decide whether or not to pursue a technical writing certificate concurrently with my MFA; submit to least three literary journals by the end of the spring semester; and plan a trip around the world.

Of the six personal goals, I accomplished four.

I did knit at least two patterns from books I already own with yarn I've already purchased. Those patterns were the $5 in Paris, Baby Cozy, and the Firefly Dishcloth.

I did not lose weight, but considering my engagement ended and life was thrown into complete chaos, I'm happy I maintained my current weight of 180 pounds and didn't go up much further.

I'm not exercising two days a week, but I am walking to and from work at least three days a week. I'm also consistently getting at least 10,000 steps per day.

I decided to pursue the technical writing certificate and I should finish by May or June 2016.

I submitted to several literary journals, resulting in three publications (two in the same week)!

I did not plan a trip around the world, but I will revisit it once my two year commitment to my current job expires.

My five professional goals were to continue improving my editing skills and knowledge of AP Style; improve workflow processes; find more opportunities for professional development; be the best mentor I can be; and to figure out how to keep my job while taking a trip around the world.

I think the professional goals were the least completed, as I decided the best way to improve workflow processes and find more opportunities for professional development was to pursue a new opportunity closer to my family.

I'm really happy in my new position. I do some editing, but it's more office management and organization. Again, it's a better fit; the job moves faster and I am trusted to do my job, which is what made my last job a poor fit. I'm not looking at doing a world trip for a few more years since I've decided to come back home.

With the academic goals, I set four. I only accomplished one. My four goals were to apply for graduate school scholarships in January; apply for the staff scholarship in August; maintain a 3.5 GPA; and figure out how to maintain my staff tuition discounts while traveling the world.

I did not apply for scholarships - school or staff. I didn't feel I had a connection with any of the professors at that time, and I didn't feel I could trust any of the professors to write and turn in a letter of recommendation on time. I didn't apply for the staff scholarship in August because I knew I was resigning from my position. Since I no longer work where I worked, the staff discount is moot.

I did, however, maintain my GPA as a 4.0, which made me really happy considering I was working full time and really busy moving at the beginning of the fall semester.

Looking back at the goals I set and met and set and missed, I am certain the problem is there were too many goals in too many categories. The goals that became priorities were the goals that had the most importance to me.

For that reason, instead of three categories, I'm going to go with three goals for the year. It's easier to keep track of and it's easier to envision the final result.

My New Year's Resolutions for 2016 are as follows:

1. Knit (or finish) at least two projects from kits or Craftsy classes. I'm working on Drachenfels and should finish it shortly after the New Year. I have other projects like Lunaris, Tunisian Crochet Multi-Garment, Tree of Life Afghan, Beyond Basic Broomstick Lace (class), My First Raglan Cardigan (class, plus I bought the kit), Shawlscapes by Stephen West (class), and Choose Your Own Sweater Adventure (class), among others.
2. I want to finish my MFA thesis by the end of next year. I have sent in my thesis proposal and I'm waiting to see if it was approved or not. I'm hoping to finish by August, but I'm giving myself an extra semester in case my proposal is not accepted in January.
3. Unread Books Project. Moving twice in less than two months, I realized I have a lot of books, many of which I have dragged state to state, all unread. So, to remedy this, the Unread Books Project is me picking at least one book per week to read for fun and/or pleasure from the stack of books that have sat and sat and sat in my home. To achieve this goal, I will read 45 to 52 books over the course of the year and do a biweekly or monthly report on what I've read. I also want to recall when and where I bought the book (or was gifted the book) when writing up which book or books I've finished.

Let's see how 2016 goes.

Echoes of Bullying: More Than 20 Years Later

Bullying has gotten a lot of media attention recently. The fact that there is an active movement to push back against what was once thought of as "kids being kids" is amazing. However, for me, it's too late.

My family moved around a lot when I was kid. Every time I went to a new school, I hoped against hope that maybe here, maybe this time, I'd make friends. That maybe for once I wouldn't be the target of everyone's hatred.

It never worked that way. I was always the odd duckling. I didn't watch the TV shows they did. I read a lot. I stood up for others.

I remember when we moved to Washington. I was riding high on that "new kid in school" glow. At recess, this group of popular girls ordered me to push this fat, unpopular boy in the mud during recess. It would cement my place with them. I would have friends. I would be popular.

I knew all this and I refused. It's funny how we look back on those moments and all the echoes that come after them. I could have been popular. Maybe for another week. Another day. I didn't pick that.

The echoes of the bullying and tormenting I experienced have marked who I am as a person. I don't trust people. I don't look back at my K-12 education with much happiness. I made a few friends here and there, but I was so lonely. I was so alone. I had some outlets - drama, music, reading, writing - but I was alone. I felt like such an outsider.

I threw myself into school. I could be praised for my grades. So I chased those for many, many years. I didn't do much with social things. I can count on one hand the number of sleepovers I went to.

It wasn't until college I felt I really belonged.

It wasn't until graduate school that I got anti-anxiety medication and was able to be around new groups of people and not feel like panicking. I talk a lot and part of it is a defense mechanism - if I control the conversation, the other person can't make fun of me to my face.

I'm 30 now and while I understand and have let go of a lot of what happened to me, I have to say "kids being kids" isn't okay. My entire life has been marked by desperately wanting to have and make and keep friends. As a result, I have stayed in the wrong relationships for far too long because I didn't want to be alone, because they knew that about me, and they used it to say no one else would ever want or love me. Because my peer group had been so awful to me, I believed it. Sometimes, I still believe it.

It's not just being made fun of for what you're wearing. It's the constant tormenting because you're a girl. Because you like to read. Because you speak up. Because you won't let anyone else take someone else down. Because you remember what it's like to be on the other side. Because you got breasts in seventh grade. Because you're odd. Because you're you.

This Halloween, it was great to see girls dressing up as Darth Vader. I saw at least three. When I did it almost twenty years ago, that kind of costuming choice made me weird. Made me a nerd. Made me a target.

Let's work on making the world a kinder and more welcoming place. One human being we interact with at a time.

Taking my finger back

I had a whole, elaborate blog post in my mind, but I'm about to take off for a grownup sleepover, so I'm going to make this quick:

I bought my own damn ring for my own damn hand with my own damn money.

That's right. No more engagement ring. I bought my own Tiffany ring for my right hand middle finger. It's to remind myself I don't need the fairy tale marriage to make myself happy. To make myself "fit" into this world.

I'm done wearing a mask to do what is right, to do what society expects.

I'm wearing a ring on my middle finger to remind myself that I gave him the wrong one and that I let society tell me that chasing and hoping for marriage was something I should want.

Same song, second verse, little bit louder ...

I know my posts have been short. I've been occupied - dating again! Really, really happy! It's surprising how fast the weekend goes when you're out with people the whole time.

I'm barely keeping up on my online MFA classes, and I have a new class starting tomorrow. I've got about six more weeks of classes and I really, really have to finish my thesis proposal (which is now two weeks late/behind ... goodie).

Work keeps me insanely busy. I don't have much time to do anything else.

Took the boss to the airport today. Fell asleep afterward until 2 p.m. That's mostly because we went to a Florence and the Machine concert last night.

I'm smitten kitten.

Also, first publication online is happening tomorrow. Dirty Chai Magazine "Lit with a Kick" is publishing me in their eighth issue!!! Tomorrow!!!

Ripping Back

I misread the Drachenfels pattern and started the striped section too soon. I was too many stitches off when I counted, and then I read my knitting alongside the pattern.

I skipped an entire section of solid color. I had two choices: suck it up or rip it back. It ripped it back, but in order to catch all 100-plus stitches, I ended up ripping back into a section that was fine. It's in time-out right now because it was really frustrating to make that kind of mistake and to have to rip out 30 rows of work.

It reminds me of my life right now. I'm not where I thought I would be and getting my MFA is a way of ripping back to doing what I should have done after college.

I wrote a blog post for my new job. I'm learning a lot about video marketing. The only annoying thing was having to pick up the boss from the airport on Saturday when I'd initially been told I wouldn't have to do that task. I stick pretty close to home on the weekends for now, at least until I get a better feel for how long my work leash is.

Sometimes to make something right, you have to go back and fix it. I'm fixing my life, one day at a time.

Knitting and Dating

I've been dating for about a month or so. I have really enjoyed getting to know people.

I also drag along my knitting, which keeps my hands busy and gives me an outlet for my nervous energy. I'm still working on my Drachenfels.

Not having a lot of online dating success, but when it goes well, it has gone very well.

At brunch today, my mom said I was the happiest she had seen me in a long time. It's true.

Moving Can (and Does) Get Worse

My coffee table did not survive the move. The weight of the boxes on top of it made the legs collapse, which caused the box (with canned goods) underneath it to be crushed, which caused the liquid in the canned goods to spill, which caused the wardrobe box and several other boxes to become soaked, which caused the clothes and books and papers to mildew.

This means I'm not leaving a five-star review for the moving company that packed up and loaded my POD in Texas.

On the plus side, not too many books were ruined, and the stuff that was ruined is well below my $500 deductible, so it's not really worth making a claim and raising my insurance rates.

I can see the carpet again. Small progress. It's overwhelming still. I'm trying to ferret out which boxes were ruined and which boxes have wet bottoms or wet things in them thanks to the collapse and domino effect.

This next week will be dealing with my car and the driver's test and the insurance and the PO box and and and and and. I'll manage to get it all done, but it's exhausting to think about.

I'm shocked at how much crafting stuff I have. Now that I'm in a smaller space, seeing all the bags and bins of yarn, notions, and tools made me realize that I have way more stuff for knitting than I thought and that I really need to honor my goals and New Year's resolutions to knit down my stash before adding more to it. Then again, I just bought three kits' worth of yarn from Craftsy and that box arrived. The yarn is so squishy and lovely, but looking at how much yarn I have, I really can't order from there (or anywhere else) for a long time.

My mom offered to mail my ex's box to him and I took her up on it. I don't have the time to mail it off and get everything for work done while also trying to set up my legal residence. It doesn't help that I don't have a lease the government would really call a lease. I have an email. I doubt an email will be acceptable to the DMV and/or U.S. Post Office. So, I'm going to get my insurances switched over to my new state and go from there.

On the plus side, my Friday bowling date (followed by an impromptu walk in the park and then coffee at Powell's on Burnside) went well. Not sure I'm feeling anything romantic for the guy, but I am enjoying his company.

I'm unpacking. I'm settling in. I'm trying to make this home.

Fresh Start

I've made it to my new city. The new job starts on Tuesday.

I messed up with the PODS delivery and won't have my stuff until Sept. 17, but that's okay.

I'm just happy to be back home.

New job! New semester! Moving! Ahhh!!!

Tomorrow marks my last week of work in Texas. I was offered a new, fast-paced position closer to my family, and I start Sept. 8.

I'm nervous about doing my full course load and moving several states. I'm tired just thinking about it.

I had movers at my old place on Saturday and I'm staying with a friend and her family until next week. I'm very grateful for her hospitality. I'm reading a book to her eldest as a birthday present. I got her a boxed set of R. Dahl books, but I think sharing the experience of having one read to her will make it more special.

I said goodbye to my knitting buddy today. We're getting serious about podcasting now: KTOG podcast (knit two together). We have a lot of work to do on the front end, but I think a monthly podcast with weekly blog posts should be a sustainable formula.

When I have time to breathe, I'm going to set up the email, Twitter, and blog for our podcast. My knitting partner agreed to learn how to do the video editing.

I can't believe I'll be on the road home next weekend. It's just all so fast.

I can't believe I'm 30.

I can't believe the guy I went to junior prom with told me, "Do you know how hard it's been the past ten years to see you with the wrong guys and put our friendship first above my feelings for you?"

Yeah. Life is funny. Let's see where things take us.

P.S. Having to change my thesis project because working with a certain individual became an unprofessional shitshow. That is all I will say at this time.

Death Anxiety and Aging

I can't quite share my exciting news - things aren't finalized and official enough to say something publicly.

I've had real problems since moving out of my ex's place with death anxiety. It doesn't help that I turned 30 today. I'm not doing what I thought I'd be doing. I'm not happy with how my personal life turned out. I really thought I'd be married this month. I didn't expect my dog to get so sick so quickly from cancer.

Taking into account all the anxiety-reducing techniques I've learned over the years (counseling is amazing, counseling is marvelous - I did it; I recommend it), I've been managing pretty well. It's been better this week with my parents here - I haven't thought I'm going to die; I have to die one day, this is really really scary; I don't want to die; Why do I have to die before going to bed in a few days.

The worst part about anxiety is how shameful it is. When people around you don't understand and don't get that you're not really in control of how you're reacting to things. When things are good, they're good, but when you feel like you're ready to burst into tears or run out of the room all at the same time, it makes it really hard to be around other people.

I had a great birthday - I had breakfast with my parents, met someone from the Internet for lunch, went to the movie talk and screening of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. 

On the walk over to the movie talk, I ran into one of my coworkers. I told him my exciting news. He hugged me and wished me the best. I work with great people.

I'm 30. I can't believe it. I know I'm inching closer and closer to death, but I have so much life left to live that I can't be afraid of the unknown forever.

Knitting Pattern

I'm writing my first knitting pattern. It's a kitchen towel, but I haven't finished it yet. I also think I want it to be wider than the prototype, but it's got a garter stitch border and the interior of the towel is a slip stitch pattern. I'll write it up when I finish and maybe put it up on Ravelry.

Tentative Pattern:

CO 40

Knit 10 rows

Row 11 Knit 5 (Knit 1, Slip 1 (purlwise)) until last five stitches, Knit 5

Row 12 Knit 5, Purl until last five stitches, Knit 5

Repeat rows 11 and 12 until piece measures approx. 26 inches

Knit 10 rows.


I managed to knit up an Almost Lost Dishcloth and a Grandma's Best Dishcloth while traveling.

If I have news, I'll post it next week ... on my 30th Birthday!!!

I also finished moving out of my ex's place today. Gave the keys back, the garage door opener. I'm sad. So incredibly sad.

Moving Out is Like Pandora's Box

I'm almost completely out of the old place. I just have to figure out what perishable/nonperishable items I will take out.

I spent three hours boxing and taking the last bits of clutter out of their respective hiding places.

One more final portfolio and I'll be done with summer classes.

I'm still kind of numb/anxious/sad about turning 30 in a few weeks. I'm not where I thought I'd be personally or professionally.

I did decide, come Hell or high water, that I'm going to get the technical writing certificate.

I'll be flying to see my family for a few days this week. It's the balm I need. I might also have new developments to share in the future.

The Ex-Tradition of Extradition

The movers came on Tuesday and packed up the majority of my stuff. There are still a few boxes' worth of flotsam and jetsam hanging out the old house. I finally spent the night at my new place on Saturday.

I woke up disoriented. I didn't know where I was and for a few seconds, I had forgotten that I was in a new place.

I still have a carload or two of things to bring over. I know I'm not doing it as fast as I could, because part of me knows that when all of my things are out of there, I will have no reason to go back.

He made us dinner tonight. I wish I could explain how hard it is to extradite myself from more than eight years of a relationship. It wasn't a bad one - he just wasn't happy and hadn't been happy for "a long time."

I'm unpacking. I'm getting things for the new space I will live in. My parents are visiting for my birthday in a few weeks.

I've got two more weeks of classes. I've decided I really can't handle freelance projects that aren't directly related to my MFA professionalization. Once I get my current freelance project done, I'm going to teach another person how to do indexes so I can connect her with my current client.

I'll be up late tonight; I've got lots and lots to work on between classes and freelance life.

I hate packing

Two weeks ago, I found a new place to live. It's closer to work, but there's no garage, no dishwasher, and no laundry facilities. It's something I can afford. It's a short-term lease, which is good since I was invited to apply to a place I made the top seven at so, we'll see.

The whole process of packing up just half the stuff, half of what is mine, it's draining me. It's wearing me out.

Part of it the question of "Whose is this?" Is it more of a gift from my family? Was it really meant for one of us?

I don't even have anything more in me.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015, my ex had our dog euthanized because her cancer was so bad. I took the day off from work. I didn't have work in me that day. I don't have packing in me now; I keep finding her things all over the house, the places she hid her favorite toys - I can't. I can't stand all of this happening all together.

The movers are coming on Tuesday and I've got maybe a dozen boxes half-packed. I'm desperately trying not to freak out or panic, but that plan isn't going well. I'm going to have to explain they can't take every box they see, that they can't just grab stuff without asking or showing me. At least they're getting paid by the hour.

Right now, I'm an angry, angry harpy that's about to go for someone's throat. People need to fucking stop saying "Things happen for a reason." Yeah, they do - it's called he didn't want to marry me. It's called I'm an atheist who can't be out in Texas for personal safety reasons. It's called shut the fuck up about your invisible friend and his plan. M-kay?

Don't exclaim more than eight years is a long time. I FUCKING KNOW IT; I FUCKING GAVE UP SO MANY FUCKING OPPORTUNITIES ($$$$$$$$$$) TO STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. DON'T THINK I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT THE SIX-FIGURE SALARY I COULD BE EARNING RIGHT NOW.

So, say, "Sorry to hear that." Then shut up. Please.

I just have to stop searching for the ring

Earlier this week, my engagement ended. More than five years of being engaged. More than eight years in a relationship. Over.

I'm sad. The hardest part is that I developed a habit of using my left thumb to make sure the ring was still on my finger. I was so worried when I first started wearing it that I would lose it; I'd flick my thumb across it to make sure it hadn't slipped off. For more than five years, that's how I reminded myself if I had put it on after my shower or after cooking.

I also fiddled with it when standing around, pulling it on and off my ring finger with my right hand. I find my right hand slipping over the left, and not finding it there.

That's when I know it's over. When I search for the ring and I don't find it.

It hasn't really sunk in; I'm looking for a new apartment. I'm looking for ways to move forward with my life.

He's leaving the house tomorrow for three weeks. While he's up visiting relatives, he's going to have our terminally ill dog euthanized. She's really deteriorated and it's the right decision.

Even in the midst of all of this, I just have to stop searching for the ring.

Checking in on New Year's Resolutions

It's almost June. How that happened is beyond me.

I wanted to revisit  where I am with my New Year's goals.

Personal:

Knit at least two patterns from books I already own using yarn I've already purchased.

• Halfway there. Knit one pattern from a books I already own with yarn I specifically bought.
• I am probably going to try and knit a linen top I bought a pattern and yarn for last year over the summer. I feel much more confident in my knitting and fixing skills to actually knit the liaison tee or $5 in Paris.

Lose weight and maintain that weight at 159 pounds or less by next year.

• hahahhahahahahahaaa. No. Not happening. The best I got down to was 165 and now I'm back up to 175. I'm trying. And failing.

Exercise at least two days per week.

• I skipped yoga for a few weeks over finals. I'm averaging about 5,000 steps a day on my Fitbit, which isn't great, but isn't terrible. No, I am not even close to meeting this goal.

Decide whether or not to pursue a technical writing certificate concurrently with my MFA.

• This got put completely on the back burner while I am sorting out my personal and professional life. I'll have an answer by late June about this. I'll have to apply for the spring rather than the fall, but that's okay.

Submit to at least three literary journals by the end of the spring semester.

• NAILED IT. I applied to Rattle, Georgia Review, Gigantic Sequins, and the Ruth Lilly and Dorothy Sargent Rosenberg Poetry fellowship.
• I plan on continuing to submit and will be submitting a short story to Asimov's by the end of the summer. It needs more work, but I think I have a solid start on what will be an interesting tale.

Plan a trip around the world.

• Also on the back burner while I deal with personal issues. I wish I could go into more detail, but I'll have answers about my personal life by mid-June and will be able to either move forward in my relationship or move forward as an individual.

Professional:

1. Continue improving my editing skills and knowledge of AP Style. - Check.
2. Improve workflow processes. - Working on this.
3. Find more opportunities for professional development. - Actively working on this.
4. Be the best mentor I can be. - Check. I absolutely nailed this goal with Project IMPACT. It was incredibly rewarding on a personal and professional level and I can't wait to continue my mentoring relationship with my current mentee and to mentor a new student next year.
5. Trip around the world/keeping job - On the back burner until I figure out my personal life.

Academic:

1. Apply for graduate school scholarships in January. - Failed. Wasn't sure if I qualified as staff with my tuition discount, so I didn't pursue anything.
2. Apply for the staff scholarship in August. - Pending personal life resolving itself.
3. Maintain a 3.5 GPA - So far so good, still waiting on final grades from spring, but I know two classes are A's, so ... can't be that bad in the other two.
4. Staff tuition discounts/travel - On hold because of my personal life.

So, some goals are going better than others. This is the first year I've really thought about what I wanted to accomplish in 12 months. I'm proud I'm continuing to blog weekly (sorry this is a later Sunday post than usual) and I'm proud that I'm improving my digital footprint by generating content for Blogger and Twitter.

All in all, my personal goals are going better than my professional ones, but once I have some answers in June, I'll be able to move forward with my life.

Death Comes Slowly

With all the hooplah of sudden and unexpected death from car and plane crashes, house fires, and accidents, it's hard to face death when it comes slowly.

Our dog has had noticeable symptoms of canine lymphoma since November 2014. We did not get an official diagnosis until a few weeks ago, and we've been doing an aggressive round of chemotherapy in the hopes of extending her life.

Sleeping with her favorite toy - Tiger.

Unfortunately, this week we learned her white blood cells are very high and it's not a good idea to continue chemotherapy right now. The steroids make her extremely thirsty, which means we're having a lot more accidents in the house.

Her body is shutting down, little by little. She's spent most of this weekend sleeping on the tile floor because she's too hot to lay down on the bed. We're keeping the air conditioning at 70 degrees because any higher and she lays there and pants and pants and pants. It's heartbreaking. And we're freezing.

If we stick to steroids and pain medicine only, we're looking at one to two more months. We're hoping to make her as comfortable as possible and I'm hoping against hope that her white cells go down and we can restart the CHOP protocol next weekend. If not, well, it won't be overnight, but death will be here shortly.

No one told me dying would take this long. No one told me watching my dog die from lymphoma would break my heart this much.

New Year's Resolutions - 2015

One of the most important things I learned when I was in graduate school for my doctorate was how to set reasonable goals. It is very easy to beat yourself up when you perceive yourself to be less capable, competent, or talented as someone else.

The truth is everyone is engaging in the "I was up alllll night working on ..." or "My work is sooooo great" game of one-upmanship.

One thing that people do is set themselves up for failure. By not setting reasonable goals, they say, "Look, I've failed again." This feeds into Imposter Syndrome: if you never reach your goals, of course you're a fraud.

My (hopefully) reasonable goals for 2015 are as follows:

Personal:

1. Knit at least two patterns from books I already own using yarn I've already purchased.
2. Lose weight and maintain that weight at 159 pounds or less by next year.
3. Exercise at least two days per week.
4. Decide whether or not to pursue a technical writing certificate concurrently with my MFA.
5. Submit to at least three literary journals by the end of the spring semester.
6. Plan a trip around the world.

Professional:

1. Continue improving my editing skills and knowledge of AP Style.
2. Improve workflow processes.
3. Find more opportunities for professional development.
4. Be the best mentor I can be.
5. Figure out how to keep my job while taking a trip around the world.

Academic

1. Apply for graduate school scholarships in January.
2. Apply for the staff scholarship in August.
3. Maintain a 3.5 GPA.
4. Figure out how to maintain my staff tuition discounts while traveling the world.