Bullying has gotten a lot of media attention recently. The fact that there is an active movement to push back against what was once thought of as "kids being kids" is amazing. However, for me, it's too late.
My family moved around a lot when I was kid. Every time I went to a new school, I hoped against hope that maybe here, maybe this time, I'd make friends. That maybe for once I wouldn't be the target of everyone's hatred.
It never worked that way. I was always the odd duckling. I didn't watch the TV shows they did. I read a lot. I stood up for others.
I remember when we moved to Washington. I was riding high on that "new kid in school" glow. At recess, this group of popular girls ordered me to push this fat, unpopular boy in the mud during recess. It would cement my place with them. I would have friends. I would be popular.
I knew all this and I refused. It's funny how we look back on those moments and all the echoes that come after them. I could have been popular. Maybe for another week. Another day. I didn't pick that.
The echoes of the bullying and tormenting I experienced have marked who I am as a person. I don't trust people. I don't look back at my K-12 education with much happiness. I made a few friends here and there, but I was so lonely. I was so alone. I had some outlets - drama, music, reading, writing - but I was alone. I felt like such an outsider.
I threw myself into school. I could be praised for my grades. So I chased those for many, many years. I didn't do much with social things. I can count on one hand the number of sleepovers I went to.
It wasn't until college I felt I really belonged.
It wasn't until graduate school that I got anti-anxiety medication and was able to be around new groups of people and not feel like panicking. I talk a lot and part of it is a defense mechanism - if I control the conversation, the other person can't make fun of me to my face.
I'm 30 now and while I understand and have let go of a lot of what happened to me, I have to say "kids being kids" isn't okay. My entire life has been marked by desperately wanting to have and make and keep friends. As a result, I have stayed in the wrong relationships for far too long because I didn't want to be alone, because they knew that about me, and they used it to say no one else would ever want or love me. Because my peer group had been so awful to me, I believed it. Sometimes, I still believe it.
It's not just being made fun of for what you're wearing. It's the constant tormenting because you're a girl. Because you like to read. Because you speak up. Because you won't let anyone else take someone else down. Because you remember what it's like to be on the other side. Because you got breasts in seventh grade. Because you're odd. Because you're you.
This Halloween, it was great to see girls dressing up as Darth Vader. I saw at least three. When I did it almost twenty years ago, that kind of costuming choice made me weird. Made me a nerd. Made me a target.
Let's work on making the world a kinder and more welcoming place. One human being we interact with at a time.
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