It's Almost Finals Week (Again!)

This upcoming week marks finals week. The summer sessions are very short and I'm in two rather intense classes (hence the ridiculously late posting).

I'm finishing up my freelance project tonight, otherwise I'll turn it in even later than I planned, which is not what I want to do.

I don't even have the headspace to think about what is due tomorrow before 6 p.m. I'm dreading tomorrow morning. I'm not even sure I'll be able to finish everything on time.

It doesn't help that I've had lots of headaches lately that are practically knocking me out. Uff.

I'm knitting though, that keeps the anxiety at bay.

Here's to hoping I survive this week!

The Ex-Tradition of Extradition

The movers came on Tuesday and packed up the majority of my stuff. There are still a few boxes' worth of flotsam and jetsam hanging out the old house. I finally spent the night at my new place on Saturday.

I woke up disoriented. I didn't know where I was and for a few seconds, I had forgotten that I was in a new place.

I still have a carload or two of things to bring over. I know I'm not doing it as fast as I could, because part of me knows that when all of my things are out of there, I will have no reason to go back.

He made us dinner tonight. I wish I could explain how hard it is to extradite myself from more than eight years of a relationship. It wasn't a bad one - he just wasn't happy and hadn't been happy for "a long time."

I'm unpacking. I'm getting things for the new space I will live in. My parents are visiting for my birthday in a few weeks.

I've got two more weeks of classes. I've decided I really can't handle freelance projects that aren't directly related to my MFA professionalization. Once I get my current freelance project done, I'm going to teach another person how to do indexes so I can connect her with my current client.

I'll be up late tonight; I've got lots and lots to work on between classes and freelance life.

I hate packing

Two weeks ago, I found a new place to live. It's closer to work, but there's no garage, no dishwasher, and no laundry facilities. It's something I can afford. It's a short-term lease, which is good since I was invited to apply to a place I made the top seven at so, we'll see.

The whole process of packing up just half the stuff, half of what is mine, it's draining me. It's wearing me out.

Part of it the question of "Whose is this?" Is it more of a gift from my family? Was it really meant for one of us?

I don't even have anything more in me.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015, my ex had our dog euthanized because her cancer was so bad. I took the day off from work. I didn't have work in me that day. I don't have packing in me now; I keep finding her things all over the house, the places she hid her favorite toys - I can't. I can't stand all of this happening all together.

The movers are coming on Tuesday and I've got maybe a dozen boxes half-packed. I'm desperately trying not to freak out or panic, but that plan isn't going well. I'm going to have to explain they can't take every box they see, that they can't just grab stuff without asking or showing me. At least they're getting paid by the hour.

Right now, I'm an angry, angry harpy that's about to go for someone's throat. People need to fucking stop saying "Things happen for a reason." Yeah, they do - it's called he didn't want to marry me. It's called I'm an atheist who can't be out in Texas for personal safety reasons. It's called shut the fuck up about your invisible friend and his plan. M-kay?

Don't exclaim more than eight years is a long time. I FUCKING KNOW IT; I FUCKING GAVE UP SO MANY FUCKING OPPORTUNITIES ($$$$$$$$$$) TO STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. DON'T THINK I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT THE SIX-FIGURE SALARY I COULD BE EARNING RIGHT NOW.

So, say, "Sorry to hear that." Then shut up. Please.

Bare minimum

I got syllabi for the two classes I'm taking that start tomorrow. For the first time since I started the program, I'm going to be very challenged.

I'm moving in a week. I'll be signing my lease and paying rent tomorrow. I'm sad, but looking forward to moving on.

I started packing this long weekend. I only cried a few times, like when I found a toy the dog buried in the guest bed.

I still have to stop looking for the ring.

Casting On New Projects (AKA Avoiding Finals)

Ever since my relationship of eight years ended two weeks ago, I've been spinning my wheels.

The plan was to be done with my freelance project before finals week, but I spent a week just numb and recovering from the shock of the finality of it all.

I reorganized my yarn stash on Saturday and realized I really have a lot of yarn. I need to start making more projects with the patterns I planned for them using yarn I've already bought.

So, I cast on a Firefly Dishcloth last night. It's small enough that I can knit a row or two when I need to think, but it's interesting enough to be a bit of a challenge. I'll finish it up this week and add the yardage to Stash Dash 2015.

I'm itching to cast on a Liason Tee and a Flax sweater. I've got yarn earmarked for both projects. Knitting is so much more fun than doing final portfolios or freelance projects. I'm sure if knitting were my job, I'd have a spotless house ...

The good news is I've found a new apartment. It's super cute, even though there's only street parking and no dishwasher or laundry facilities. But, the price is something I can afford and I can get a six-month lease. Even if some of the job prospects work out sooner rather than later, I can afford to pay for the full term of the lease in order to be able to walk away.

I bought dishes today. They aren't exactly what I wanted, but they're cute - white with blue stripes. I gave away my awesome Coca-Cola set in Georgia because "we don't need two sets of dishes."

Now I'm no longer a we and until today, I didn't have dishes. It's weird to think of myself in only terms of "I" and no longer "we." These dishes are always going to be the set I bought to replace the Coca-Cola plates I loved because "we" didn't need two sets of dishes.

I've got two classes with finals next week. I have a portfolio due Wednesday and a portfolio due Thursday. I also have a three-page essay to write for one of the portfolios. And the freelance project is not done yet. Which is stressful.

But, I have a plan. I have a tentative move-in date. I'm getting ready to move forward.

I'm going to focus on making my new place a home, even if it's only for a few weeks or months. I'm still hopeful something else will stick, even though I'm heartbroken I didn't make it to an in-person interview for the job in Portland. Maybe something else will turn up. Maybe I'm trapped in this city for the rest of my life, working a job that fits like a shoe that leaves blisters.

I just have to stop searching for the ring

Earlier this week, my engagement ended. More than five years of being engaged. More than eight years in a relationship. Over.

I'm sad. The hardest part is that I developed a habit of using my left thumb to make sure the ring was still on my finger. I was so worried when I first started wearing it that I would lose it; I'd flick my thumb across it to make sure it hadn't slipped off. For more than five years, that's how I reminded myself if I had put it on after my shower or after cooking.

I also fiddled with it when standing around, pulling it on and off my ring finger with my right hand. I find my right hand slipping over the left, and not finding it there.

That's when I know it's over. When I search for the ring and I don't find it.

It hasn't really sunk in; I'm looking for a new apartment. I'm looking for ways to move forward with my life.

He's leaving the house tomorrow for three weeks. While he's up visiting relatives, he's going to have our terminally ill dog euthanized. She's really deteriorated and it's the right decision.

Even in the midst of all of this, I just have to stop searching for the ring.

Oopsies!

For the first time since I started this blog, I missed my Sunday post.

I've been working on freelance, paid work and I've been dealing with major life changes.

I can't share everything online just yet, but I wanted you all to know ... winds of change are coming.