Death Anxiety and Aging

I can't quite share my exciting news - things aren't finalized and official enough to say something publicly.

I've had real problems since moving out of my ex's place with death anxiety. It doesn't help that I turned 30 today. I'm not doing what I thought I'd be doing. I'm not happy with how my personal life turned out. I really thought I'd be married this month. I didn't expect my dog to get so sick so quickly from cancer.

Taking into account all the anxiety-reducing techniques I've learned over the years (counseling is amazing, counseling is marvelous - I did it; I recommend it), I've been managing pretty well. It's been better this week with my parents here - I haven't thought I'm going to die; I have to die one day, this is really really scary; I don't want to die; Why do I have to die before going to bed in a few days.

The worst part about anxiety is how shameful it is. When people around you don't understand and don't get that you're not really in control of how you're reacting to things. When things are good, they're good, but when you feel like you're ready to burst into tears or run out of the room all at the same time, it makes it really hard to be around other people.

I had a great birthday - I had breakfast with my parents, met someone from the Internet for lunch, went to the movie talk and screening of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. 

On the walk over to the movie talk, I ran into one of my coworkers. I told him my exciting news. He hugged me and wished me the best. I work with great people.

I'm 30. I can't believe it. I know I'm inching closer and closer to death, but I have so much life left to live that I can't be afraid of the unknown forever.

I hate packing

Two weeks ago, I found a new place to live. It's closer to work, but there's no garage, no dishwasher, and no laundry facilities. It's something I can afford. It's a short-term lease, which is good since I was invited to apply to a place I made the top seven at so, we'll see.

The whole process of packing up just half the stuff, half of what is mine, it's draining me. It's wearing me out.

Part of it the question of "Whose is this?" Is it more of a gift from my family? Was it really meant for one of us?

I don't even have anything more in me.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015, my ex had our dog euthanized because her cancer was so bad. I took the day off from work. I didn't have work in me that day. I don't have packing in me now; I keep finding her things all over the house, the places she hid her favorite toys - I can't. I can't stand all of this happening all together.

The movers are coming on Tuesday and I've got maybe a dozen boxes half-packed. I'm desperately trying not to freak out or panic, but that plan isn't going well. I'm going to have to explain they can't take every box they see, that they can't just grab stuff without asking or showing me. At least they're getting paid by the hour.

Right now, I'm an angry, angry harpy that's about to go for someone's throat. People need to fucking stop saying "Things happen for a reason." Yeah, they do - it's called he didn't want to marry me. It's called I'm an atheist who can't be out in Texas for personal safety reasons. It's called shut the fuck up about your invisible friend and his plan. M-kay?

Don't exclaim more than eight years is a long time. I FUCKING KNOW IT; I FUCKING GAVE UP SO MANY FUCKING OPPORTUNITIES ($$$$$$$$$$) TO STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. DON'T THINK I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT THE SIX-FIGURE SALARY I COULD BE EARNING RIGHT NOW.

So, say, "Sorry to hear that." Then shut up. Please.

I just have to stop searching for the ring

Earlier this week, my engagement ended. More than five years of being engaged. More than eight years in a relationship. Over.

I'm sad. The hardest part is that I developed a habit of using my left thumb to make sure the ring was still on my finger. I was so worried when I first started wearing it that I would lose it; I'd flick my thumb across it to make sure it hadn't slipped off. For more than five years, that's how I reminded myself if I had put it on after my shower or after cooking.

I also fiddled with it when standing around, pulling it on and off my ring finger with my right hand. I find my right hand slipping over the left, and not finding it there.

That's when I know it's over. When I search for the ring and I don't find it.

It hasn't really sunk in; I'm looking for a new apartment. I'm looking for ways to move forward with my life.

He's leaving the house tomorrow for three weeks. While he's up visiting relatives, he's going to have our terminally ill dog euthanized. She's really deteriorated and it's the right decision.

Even in the midst of all of this, I just have to stop searching for the ring.

Stash Dash 2015

I enjoy watching the video podcast The Knit Girllls and I follow their group on Ravelry. For most of the summer, one of the hosts, Laura (also known as La La) hosts a "stash dash" where members are encouraged to use up the yarn already in their house; you also can count any projects you finish up during this time. For the first time, there are three finish line options: a 3K, 5K, and 10K.

The distances refer to how much yarn you knit. I started a $5 in Paris sweater last Sunday and it is going fast!

I cast this sweater on Sunday, May 24, 2015, and a week later I'm at the ribbing on the bottom. Once I finish with the body and bind it off, I'll be ready to finish up the sleeves!

I haven't really knit the Little Lady Garter Blanket much since I started the sweater, but with more than 24 inches left to knit, well, it's going to be a long time knitting garter stitch. Sadly, even though I'm holding the yarn double, the Stash Dash 2015 rules state you can't count the second skein's yardage in your total. So, even though I'll be creating a double-thick blanket with two skeins of yarn, only one skein's yardage counts. There's lots of disagreement with this rule in the thread; it might change next year, but I won't be knitting double again any time soon because it's such a pain in the butt to work with.

This is the garter stitch that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friend ...

I still need to press the fabric, cut out the bunnies, and stitch them onto my Bunnie Blankie. It's been in hibernation for nearly three weeks. It's on the to-do list that won't get done for awhile. It also won't count for Stash Dash 2015 since I bound it off before the competition started. Sewing finishing touches doesn't count, unfortunately.

I really hate this project at this point. If I hadn't bought the fabric, I would say that I'm done with it, but I'm another $10 of materials in and I want to see how it looks completed. This will happen. Eventually.

I did buy some silk yarn to make the Tunisian crochet multigarment for the Craftsy class "Tunisian Crochet: Revolutions in Color and Style" class I bought a few weeks ago. Thanks to the really low prices at Tuesday Morning, I was able to purchase enough silk yarn for the project for half of other websites. I'm not 100 percent in love with the green I picked for color C in the pattern, but I also am not in love with paying almost $70 in materials for a new-skill project. The wooden Tunisian crochet hooks I bought from Amazon are okay, but they're not great. I bought a second set of sturdier plastic ones, which should arrive here in a few days. We'll see. The right tools make for a better crafting experience!

I will say I was very pleased with the two Craftsy classes I bought that I've already looked into. Eunny Jang's "Choose Your Own Sweater Adventure" has been helpful on my $5 in Paris sweater. I didn't understand some of the directions in the $5 in Paris sweater pattern, but after going to the appropriate (and well outlined) sections in Jang's video, I was able to complete the more technical parts of my first sweater. I'm looking forward to trying her patterns, even though they're written for bulky yarn.

The yarn I bought at Craftsy at the same time as I bought the classes arrived very quickly. I was impressed that all of my yarn (even when I bought 12 of one type) were from the same dye lot. I'm going to try to make the Tree of Life afghan, but probably won't start it until after the summer is over given its level of technical difficulty and sheer size.

As the summer progresses, we'll see if I have time to do more than the 3K. I might not even finish that, especially once summer classes start.

I'm going to be taking four summer classes - two first session and two second session. I still owe the university money for my summer classes. I'll get right on that after I get back from my knitting group that happens at 10:30 a.m.

Sunday is finally getting back to normal

For the past several weeks, my knitting buddy has been gone, dealing with a family situation. While I'm happy she's back, I'm sad it's because her family member died.

I'm looking forward to my routine.

I'm also doing an Internet meetup. I feel bad leaving the puppy alone for several hours while I do this, but at the same time, I don't want to leave her for the four or five hours I'll be gone, but at the same time, I have to realize that before she got sick, I'd leave her for that long anyways.

We've had a decent week - fewer accidents in the house (a combination of discontinuing one of the medicines and us monitoring her water intake and bathroom breaks much more carefully) and she's feeling a bit better and not limping as much.

It's hard to watch her be so ill. It really, really is.

I'll keep working on the new baby blanket project. It uses Lion Brand's Pound of Love. I'm using two skeins and holding the yarn double. I cast on 134 stitches and hopefully that will be wide enough for a baby blanket. I already ripped back and restarted once, because I thought I'd do a checkers blanket. Unfortunately, the yarn held single was going to make the project take forever and then if I followed the pattern to recipe, it was going to be too short.

When making last-minute baby gifts, it's best to use thick/chunky yarn, because it knits up quicker. The Pound of Love is great, but because it is thinner, it takes longer to work with. I'm still working on the Bunny Blankie, but that's because I'm sick of the daisy stitch, even though I only have one ounce of yarn left. A Pound of Love isn't enough to knit the Bunny Blanket to recipe, sadly. However, I don't want to find another skein of it, so it will probably be about six to eight inches shorter than the pattern calls for. I don't think that will be a problem; it's actually pretty long/big as it is.

I also need to mail my Banana Bunch Blankie to my college roommate. I'm going to sit down and write the cards; the rest of the package is ready to go: the blanket, some onesies, two books, burp cloths .... all in yellow or with ducks on them because they don't know what they're having yet, and, in general, I try to avoid gendered colors whenever possible when gifting for babies. (Yes, the new baby blanket project is an exception to the I-avoid-gendered-colors rule.)

Back when I was knitting the Banana Bunch Blankie. It knit up very nicely because it only had a four-row pattern repeat.

It's great to have my knitting group back. I still have homework to do and fellowships to write up and finish, but I still need a few hours to myself today.

Death Comes Slowly

With all the hooplah of sudden and unexpected death from car and plane crashes, house fires, and accidents, it's hard to face death when it comes slowly.

Our dog has had noticeable symptoms of canine lymphoma since November 2014. We did not get an official diagnosis until a few weeks ago, and we've been doing an aggressive round of chemotherapy in the hopes of extending her life.

Sleeping with her favorite toy - Tiger.

Unfortunately, this week we learned her white blood cells are very high and it's not a good idea to continue chemotherapy right now. The steroids make her extremely thirsty, which means we're having a lot more accidents in the house.

Her body is shutting down, little by little. She's spent most of this weekend sleeping on the tile floor because she's too hot to lay down on the bed. We're keeping the air conditioning at 70 degrees because any higher and she lays there and pants and pants and pants. It's heartbreaking. And we're freezing.

If we stick to steroids and pain medicine only, we're looking at one to two more months. We're hoping to make her as comfortable as possible and I'm hoping against hope that her white cells go down and we can restart the CHOP protocol next weekend. If not, well, it won't be overnight, but death will be here shortly.

No one told me dying would take this long. No one told me watching my dog die from lymphoma would break my heart this much.

Things I accomplished this weekend

Books I read (start to finish):
Divergent by Veronica Roth (4/5 stars)
Insurgent by Veronica Roth (4/5 stars)
A Boy Called It by Dave Pelzer (3/5 stars)
The Lost Boy by Dave Pelzer (2/5 stars)
A Brother's Journey by Richard Pelzer (2/5 stars)

I was in a bit of a "read for fun" mood. Not that the books I picked were particularly long or difficult, but I did manage to read five of them.

Started reading Allegiant by Veronica Roth. Pretty meh about it. Not super in love with the shift in point of view. Feels like it suffers from what I call "trilogy syndrome." Same thing happened with Hunger Games, but at least Insurgent had some (veiled) sex.

School
Finished everything for class for the week. Didn't get ahead on any reading. Wasn't really feeling it. Well aware I have many projects that aren't due until finals week and that if I keep putting them off, I will be a stressed out mess in three weeks.

Knitting
Started knitting a hat with yarn I was gifted. Knit a bit on a baby hat I'm making for my college roommate's baby. I need to finish it up and mail it off soon though.

Dog
Dealt with the dog having urinary incontinence: three pee spots carpet cleaned with the Bissel Green vacuum. We're trying disposable diapers. It's not going well.

The cancer is just unending. She's happy still, but her health, well, I mean, it's only a matter of time, but it's hard to watch her die.

Translation Project
Finally sat down and made the changes the author requested. Disagree with one change, we'll see how the writer takes it.

When I'm allowed to talk about publication and such, I will definitely have an update here.

Guild Wars 2
Played a few hours for fun. Miss my guild; they changed servers a few weeks ago, but I don't feel like paying for another transfer after less than two months on our current server, so I'm staying put for now.

My dog is dying and it's not fair

The blood work showed that the chemo may be doing more harm than good. If we stop the chemo, I'm not sure how much longer our dog will live.

It's not fair. It's just not fair.

I'm trying to stay focused on school and work, but I've been putting things for class off all week.

I'm also trying to figure out some rules for certain tests and possible job leads if we PCS to Germany. And the we only happens if we go to the courthouse, which my partner is still on the fence about.

Here's to doing the minimum and going on autopilot.

When it's hard to be an atheist

My dog is dying of cancer. The past two weeks have been pretty sad - she won't put weight on one of her paws and is in a lot of pain from the fluid buildup causing her bones to swell.

It's hard to be an atheist when people and things you love are dying or die.

Would it be comforting to think I'd see them again when I died? Yes, of course it would. But believing in an afterlife is like drinking ... it's numbing you to reality.

For me, this is it. Life and time is precious because I get one shot at it. Death is death.

I've known I was an atheist for a very long time. Before I was 10, for sure, but I wasn't allowed to say I was. ("Stop scaring the babysitter," was what one parent told me.)

It would be great to think the people and things I loved could hear me and I could speak to them. But I don't believe in God and I'm not going to start because death is coming.

I will grieve, but my grief is rooted in the knowledge that there is nothing after we die.

Living in the South for the past three years, I've learned to avoid talking about church and religion. Most folks don't know I'm not a believer, although I'm sure many of them suspect something is up.

Militant atheists are as annoying as militant religious people. Two sides of the same coin if you ask me.

I work for a public institution, so I am always pointing out when we may not want to come across as endorsing religion.

However, this does not mean I do not support the religious beliefs of my colleagues. Good Friday means there are like of us non-Catholics at the office that day. It doesn't bother me; if I had an equivalent holiday, I would be granted the same leave as them, so why be upset about it?

I also made sure that this Friday, when it was my turn for the weekly breakfast, to make sure nothing had meat, since it's Lent. Do I observe Lent? Nope. How do I know it's Lent? The gazillion "fillet o' fish" commercials for McDonald's. That's how.

Nevertheless, I recognize that Lent is a particularly important time for my Catholic colleagues. Thanks to the Internet, I was able to read up on the particulars of the requirements and so I was able to accommodate their dietary restrictions. (If anyone gave up anything particular for Lent, I was not aware of it.)

My atheism is not about having anyone else believe what I believe; rather, it is about what I perceive to be the truth. How can I follow any religion that says my gender is inferior? How can I believe in this all-knowing, all-seeing deity when other adherents to that belief system were exceptionally cruel to me? No thank you.

If there is a Hell, I'll see you there.

Mini update

This past week has been midterms for me, so I have been rather busy. I still have a few discussion board posts to write and reply to before midnight, but overall, online classes are in good shape. The first chapter of my novel went over very well and several people wanted to see the second chapter as my second project for the course.

I am still working on my New Year's Resolution of using yarn and patterns I already own when making projects. I am almost done with the Bunny Blankie, but the daisy stitch is really repetitive and I don't think I'll have enough yarn to make the full 44-inch length. I needed a couple of weeks away from it because I was getting tired of the whole thing.

I did, however, finish the baby cozy, but I still have to sew on the hook and loop tape (Velcro) since I decided to forgo the buttons. I also started the hat that goes with the pattern, learning how to do an I-cord in the process. It's looking like 420 yards of sport weight yarn will be enough for the whole project, which did not take that long and if the Velcro modification works out well, then it may become my go-to baby gift.

I am working on incorporating more exercise into my week. The dog's daycare has new, longer hours, making it easier for me to get 20 to 30 minutes of exercise in before work. Since I made by twice-a-week workout goal for a month, I treated myself to a Fabletics outfit (full disclosure: I get $10 in credit if you sign up using that link).

I don't do buy from Fabletics often, and I've had one pair of leggings I bought have the crotch rip out during yoga, but overall, I've liked the outfits. It's a pick-me-up. It's harder than I thought to maintain exercise in my routine when I work full time and have four classes this semester. Then I come home to the invisible labor of making dinner, cleaning the house, doing laundry ... it's all exhausting.

The dog started limping on her other front paw on Tuesday and when my partner took her in to the vet on Thursday, the vet upped the dog's pain pills. The second round of chemo is a pill and done at home. We have to wear gloves and wash our hands since it's radioactive.

We took the dog on a three-mile walk yesterday. It's great to see her so happy and energetic. Well worth the cost of chemo to combat this canine lymphoma.

Today, I will knit at home instead of going to my knitting group because my knitting partner is visiting an ill family member, head over to the gym in my new outfit, go to Costco afterward, and work on homework and essays for the rest of the day. The weekends just seem to fly by.