A dream without a goal is just a wish

A dream without a goal is just a wish, and if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

I haven't really been working on the world traveling goal very much. It's something I'm going to have to decide about very soon, because I'll need to know if my employer will grant my leave of absence request, or if I'll be handing in my notice.

I'll need to time it carefully, because as annoying as some of my online classes are, I don't want to have to pay a lot more for them. My employee discount is saving me approximately 60 percent off the sticker price of this degree. I don't want to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to finish what I started; $4,500 a year is more palatable than $10,500 (or $24,000 if I lose my Texas residency as a result of this wanderlust).

I have a few projects in the pipeline: I need to write a lecture on fairy tales and dictatorships for when I guest lecture for my friend's class. I also need to finish translating some poems for a top-secret project.

I really need to move on the graduate school scholarship application, but I need to figure out which two professors would actually help me out with the letters of recommendation.

My goal for today is to finish up my short story for my advanced fiction class. It's due Friday, but I have family coming to visit, and I think I need to clean up the house a bit more.

In a sad side note, it's looking like the dog has lymphatic cancer and not a fungal infection. We're doing a Hail Mary next week, and then going from there.

Balancing full-time studies online with full-time life

We all have the same number of hours in a day. For women, we get saddled with a bunch of invisible labor that adds to our domestic work.

All that invisible labor adds up. It'll burn you out. If your partner won't step up, then let the dishes sit in the sink until they smell. If you don't have clean dishes, switch to paper plates. There are bigger fish to fry and just because you were born with the vagina in your relationship does not mean it is all your job or responsibility.

When balancing school and work, well, something has to give and I've never really given a fuck about how my house looks. Next weekend I'll sing a different tune because I have company coming, but for this weekend, I have piles of papers, boxes, books, and lots on the to-do list.

Dirty secret about being a full-time student and working full-time? The to-do list never gets done. Embrace it now. There will be entropy. There will be dirty dishes. There will be stress.

What is especially true about online classes is the sense that you could be doing more or doing something right now.

To combat that desire to constantly check in with your online class, I set boundaries. (I could do a series of posts on boundaries and surviving graduate school, but those will come later.)

The syllabus says that you have to post once and reply to two other threads? Unless one of the other 13 threads is irresistible, leave them alone. You've done your part. Doing more does not make you A any higher.

I didn't used to be this way. I was that student. The one who did everything and then some. I made everyone else look bad. I know. I was young. Driven. A perfectionist.

As a recovering perfectionist, I've learned life is a lot happier when you do your best, but stop before it becomes a race to perfectionism.

If an online class has a more nebulous participation requirement like "continue the discussion through Sunday," then I look at this way, do I have anything substantial to add and write about? Will all I say be less than 100 words pretty much saying, "I like how you pointed out X. I agree."? Then it's not worth your time and it's really not adding to the discussion.

To survive your full-time job and your full-time online studies, something has to give. I recommend that it be your perfectionist tendencies before your sanity and home life.

Side note: After one semester, I'm pretty much over discussion boards. For the MFA workshop classes, the discussion boards make sense, but for reading reaction stuff, well, there really isn't a need to respond to many of the posts people put up. Three or four students rise to the top of the pack. These individuals always have something interesting to say.

I don't think class discussion boards are a replacement for what happens in a face-to-face seminar; I know this because I spent five years in traditional seminar settings. This is especially true when faculty don't provide a lesson or context for the week and just tell the class "Read X, Y, Z and answer the following questions in your discussion board post." 

In my pedagogical opinion, online discussion boards should happen after the professor has posted either a written lecture, video lecture (with transcript for ADA accessibility), or podcast (with transcript for ADA accessibility). This lecture should be like what would happen in a classroom. The students should get an idea about what is important about this piece and the professor should fill in the gaps - not fellow classmates who may or may not have all the information correct.

The mere act of providing a discussion board and telling students to go talk there is the worst of the flipped classroom phenomenon. Give guidance, instruction, and some knowledge before telling the class "Go discuss this." Otherwise, it's like education through the University of Google and Youtube.

Second Semester of the MFA Started; New Year's Goals Update

My second semester in the online MFA started Tuesday. I'm a special kind of masochist, so I'm taking four classes this term. So far, it's not too much to handle, but I do find it difficult to fully engage with four digital classrooms of discussion boards.

It's particularly hard to engage in some of my online classes because it has become increasingly clear there is little to no departmental-level support for online course development. As is such, some classes are extremely well developed and integrate universally accepted best practices, while others, well, others have instructors who struggle with the basics of the Learning Management System (LMS).

I guess one thing that pisses me off about the explosion in the digital classroom environment in the U.S. is how many people in universities across the country are running online programs, persons who have never, ever ever ever in their lives taken an online course. Not even a Coursera course. These are jobs I've applied to and I have taken far, far more online courses than the people the institutions end up hiring, and what is the result? A mediocre digital class experience for the students.

It's hard to separate my professional jealousy of being shut out of the academy with being a student again. I try to keep the fact I already have a doctorate under wraps, especially in courses where it is clear the faculty member is out of his or her depth.

Anyways, to my New Year's resolutions for 2015.

I have started one knitting project using yarn I already own and a pattern I already have. I am about 40 percent of the way done with the blanket, although the project has been plagued by several knots and frays in the yarn. This means more ends to weave in and it is becoming increasingly frustrating to knit with this yarn. I'm used to a knot or something, but I've found three knots in the yarn (as in the yarn broke and was tied at the factory) and one spot where the yarn was not properly/completely twisted.

I am working on being more active and losing weight. My fiance bought me a Fitbit (my request) for a belated Christmas present, and so far, I'm not showing any signs of a nickel allergy. I've also managed to get below 170 pounds for the first time since my synthroid dose was halved. Hooray! The Fitbit showed me that I was far less active at work than I thought I was. Oops.

I am going to ask my new boss for personal development funds to cover the two classes for the technical writing program that fall outside my MFA degree. Based on the current class I am taking, the courses in the technical writing program are very well designed and developed. I would like to take more of them, assuming they are all as well done as the one I am taking now.

If I can get these professional development funds, then I will pursue the technical writing certificate concurrently with my MFA.

I'll be applying to the scholarships in a few weeks; I'll have to check with HR to make sure I'm permitted to apply for student scholarships when I receive a staff discount on my education.

I'm still working out how to do this world trip. Don't have any details or specifics, but there was a hiccup today as far as the finances when I ended up needing brakes and my power steering fluid flushed along with what I thought was going to be "just an oil change" at the dealership.

I'm also maintaining this blog. I'm trying to make sure I meet my weekly update schedule, which is why I'm finishing this at 2 a.m. before I go to sleep.

Dragon or Windmill? On Picking Your Battles

Is this a dragon or a windmill?

Dragons are meant to be slayed and windmills, well, by windmills, I am borrowing from my doctoral background and training, which is in Spanish literature. I am talking about the novel Don Quijote and how in one scene the protagonist charges at windmills, telling everyone else that they are giants.

Don Quijote expends a lot of energy going after windmills.

In graduate school, I learned how to balance micro and macro goals. There is the nitty gritty, day-to-day and there's also the bigger picture. On a day-to-day basis, certain things felt like dragons that needed to be slayed, but in the bigger, macro picture, well, they were just windmills.

My final year as a doctoral student, there were many things that as a first-year graduate student, I would have thought they were dragons that needed to be slayed. In my last year, well, turns out those things were actually windmills. Perspective comes with time and distance.

You have to decide very bluntly if the time, energy, and resources you put into something are adding to your final goal (graduation) or subtracting from it (taking longer or not finishing).

For instance, I have family members with lots of medical knowledge who taught me how to navigate and deal with insurance companies. Several other graduate students approached me to serve as the health insurance liaison for the Graduate Student Association. I was flattered. I would have been good at it. The last woman who served as the liaison took an extra two years to finish her degree because the position ate up a lot of time.

So, I said no. Rather, by that point I had learned how to say no. "I'm so flattered you thought of me. I don't have the time to dedicate to the position because I'm focused on finishing my thesis by next spring."

If you are not selfish and self-interested in graduate school, you will not finish. If your goal is to earn your degree, then you have to learn how to say no.

Decide what things are windmills and what are dragons. Now, if those windmills are truly giants in your world, then go ahead and charge at them, but do so knowing you still have a dragon to slay.

I’d save my charging at large things for dragons. Is what you’re about to spend your time and energy on a windmill or a dragon?

Your dissertation is a dragon. Work on slaying it. Anything that is not the equivalent of a dragon is not worth your time or emotional energy.

Windmills can wait.

Dragons cannot, since they breathe fire and all.

Speaking of fires, you will need to learn how to decide which fires to put out and which fires to let burn. Graduate school (and as I have found out work 40 hours a week) is about triage and time management. Life is a series of questions like "What is on fire, when is something going to be set on fire, and how do I put out this fire/these fires?"

Much like the dragon vs. windmill debate, you have to ask yourself about the big picture.

Will this really matter in five years?

Ten?

Fifteen?

Twenty?

You have to balance the tunnel vision of the moment in graduate school (or a moment at work) with the larger picture of the future. The pressure and stress of graduate school often makes it seem as everything you are doing in this very moment is the most important thing in the world.

On one hand, yes, you want to make sure your class performance is positive, but you have to resist the tunnel vision and ask yourself, will I look back on this in five, ten, fifteen, or twenty years and still feel this thing was still as important now as it was back then?

Think back of the things that stressed you out five years ago. What were the things that made it feel like the sky was falling? Five years later, would they still make the sky fall for you? The more things we experience, the more likely we are to learn how to manage and handle these events.

Graduate school is very similar. At times, the expectations and events will overwhelm you. It’s natural; it’s a brand new experience you have not adapted to quite yet. When the anxiety, stress, and panic seem overwhelming, take a step back and ask yourself, “Will this really matter in five years?”

Always ask yourself, is this a dragon worth slaying or a windmill I should walk past?

On not attending MLA's annual convention

This is the third year I have not attended the Modern Language Association's annual conference. Also known as MLA, the annual conference is a mixture of paper presentations, workshops, and above all else, young academics interviewing for the job market.

I first attended the annual conference when it was in Los Angeles, California, in 2011. The following year, it was in Seattle, Washington. 

In 2011, I was in graduate school in California, so attending the conference was not a big deal. 

In 2012, when the conference was in Seattle, I was told my department would reimburse me for travel. When I turned in my receipts, I found out that reimbursement was "only if you had interviews" at MLA. Fortunately, I have family in the area, and I only really took a bit of a hit on the food, since I was going to be in Washington anyways.

This misunderstanding about MLA reimbursement was compounded when I found out from an older graduate student that the reimbursement was a one-time thing. While I'm grateful our department would cover travel and a hotel for a job interview at MLA, it was extremely frustrating that these policies were not made clearer before I went on my merry way to Seattle.

The best part about the conference in Seattle was an early panel on nonstandard academic careers - also known as alternate academic jobs or altac jobs. It was reassuring to hear of other job possibilities outside of the academy. It made working outside a university a less scary prospect.

In 2013, the annual conference was in Boston. Knowing I would only be reimbursed if I had an interview, I had to make the gut-wrenching decision: buy a cheaper plane ticket and hotel by booking early in anticipation of interviews, or wait and pay more (or rather, have my department pay more) to guarantee reimbursement.

On the advice of a colleague who got a tenure-track offer in 2012, I held off buying anything. This turned out to be a great decision because the number of MLA interviews I had was zero.

Zip. Zilch. Nada.

I did, however, pay the conference fee for someone I was following on Twitter. I figured if I couldn't go, at least someone else could.

Speaking of Twitter, I followed the hashtags and almost felt like I was there, albeit from my apartment.

After not getting any academic job offers in the 2013-2014 job market, I put all my energies into applying for altac positions.

I was hired by a university for an altac position, but when the 2014 convention in Chicago rolled around, I was still in my probationary period - during which no sick leave or vacation leave would be granted without supervisor approval. It's not good form to say, "I'm going to a conference where they interview people with my degree for a job," two months after you start. I also only had two vacation days banked, making it almost impossible to go to Chicago, even if I'd wanted to.

I happened to get the job right at the start of what should have been my second season on the job market. I had even asked for updated reference letters. I applied to a few early positions, but once I started, I realized I could either focus on my current, altac job or I could hope for interviews in the 2014-2015 job market.

There's something to be said about having full benefits and retirement. I decided the better part of valor was focusing on improving my current job skills rather than chasing the teaching dream across the country.

I follow several people on Twitter and check in with the MLA hashtag every year. It's almost like being there.

In reality, MLA is just another conference, similar to what you experience if you went to any other. The only miserable part of the equation are the interviews at MLA, and more and more, MLA is trying to push departments to interview over Skype (hello, welcome to the 21st century hiring committees!) rather than forcing applicants to spend their own money to interview at the annual conference.

I didn't go to the Vancouver MLA this year because 1) My passport had expired and I didn't know if I'd get its replacement in time; 2) Flying to Canada is expensive; 3) I'm enrolled in graduate classes again (I'm a special kind of masochist) and I don't feel like spending 10 percent of my disposable income to attend what is essentially a souped-up conference; and 4) I don't want to use my vacation time for the conference.

But, when the conference is in Austin next year, I might go. It would be good to catch up with old friends and attend some panels. 

Will I be on the job market? I'm not sure. I've got a state job with great benefits, and according to HR, it will take three documented cases of gross negligence on my part for me to be let go. In essence, as long as my department isn't reorganized, I have a job I could work until I retire.

It's weird no longer being in the academic rat race. I've rediscovered reading for pleasure, and reading in English for that matter.

I learned a lot about myself while I was working on my dissertation. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, and yet, I feel like I could work on a second project. I should seriously pursue publishing opportunities for several of my chapters and seminar papers, but those are not a priority for me right now.

For the third year in a row, I have followed the conference on Twitter and don't feel like I missed much at all by staying home. If I had a department paying for it, I'd be there in a heartbeat, but since it's on my own dime, well, there are plenty of places I'd rather vacation than an academic conference.

MLA Conferences by city and year

Los Angeles, California - 2011

Seattle. Washington - 2012

Boston, Massachusetts - 2013

Chicago, Illinois - 2014

Vancouver, Canada - 2015

Austin, Texas - 2016

New Year's Resolutions - 2015

One of the most important things I learned when I was in graduate school for my doctorate was how to set reasonable goals. It is very easy to beat yourself up when you perceive yourself to be less capable, competent, or talented as someone else.

The truth is everyone is engaging in the "I was up alllll night working on ..." or "My work is sooooo great" game of one-upmanship.

One thing that people do is set themselves up for failure. By not setting reasonable goals, they say, "Look, I've failed again." This feeds into Imposter Syndrome: if you never reach your goals, of course you're a fraud.

My (hopefully) reasonable goals for 2015 are as follows:

Personal:

1. Knit at least two patterns from books I already own using yarn I've already purchased.
2. Lose weight and maintain that weight at 159 pounds or less by next year.
3. Exercise at least two days per week.
4. Decide whether or not to pursue a technical writing certificate concurrently with my MFA.
5. Submit to at least three literary journals by the end of the spring semester.
6. Plan a trip around the world.

Professional:

1. Continue improving my editing skills and knowledge of AP Style.
2. Improve workflow processes.
3. Find more opportunities for professional development.
4. Be the best mentor I can be.
5. Figure out how to keep my job while taking a trip around the world.

Academic

1. Apply for graduate school scholarships in January.
2. Apply for the staff scholarship in August.
3. Maintain a 3.5 GPA.
4. Figure out how to maintain my staff tuition discounts while traveling the world.

The Kickoff

I have tried my hand at blogging many, many times. After working in public relations for a little more than a year, I realized how to make this a sustainable and long-term endeavor.

First, I am going to stick to a reasonable publication schedule. I'm committing to every Sunday.

Second, the general subject of this blog will be more varied than my other blog attempts. This blog will talk about academia, graduate school, knitting, altac (alternate academic) careers, online education, the MFA, my PhD, and whatever else appeals to my jack-of-all-trades nature.

Third, I plan on most posts being between 700 and 1,000 words in length.

Lastly, I will work on creating a decent buffer so I can maintain the weekly publication schedule.